I Thought Life Was Over
Author: Vuong V. Nguyen
Privately Online ePublish By: Lam & Bryan Nguyen
Copyright 2010
--------> CAUTION: This website is not appropriate for all audiences.
Readers' discretions are advised. <------------------------------
CHAPTERS
1 I HIT ROCK BOTTOM ONCE AGAIN
2 BACK ON TRACK
3 WILL POWER
4 LIFE JUST BEGUN
5 IT'S NOT HOPELESS TO RECOVER FROM A STATE OF MENTAL ILLNESS
6 A DEEPER MEANING TO LIFE
7 MAKING GOOD LIFE DECISIONS
8 LIVE LIFE LONGER STAY HEALTHY
9 BIG IMPACT
10 LIVE ONCE; DO THINGS RIGHT
11 PROBLEMS IN LIFE
12 LEARNING TO LIVE
SPECIAL SPECIAL THANKS
I would like to thank my family.
I would like to thank all those who have read this
and hopefully it will be a benefit to you.
I thank C.G. for reminding me to continue writing.
Chapter One
I HIT ROCK BOTTOM ONCE AGAIN
In August of 2009, my state of being was very bad. My entire being was disaster. Meaning my mind collapse all on it's own. I did not trust any person in prison. Because I was so down, that I took life in a total different way. Life was heading down hill for around five and a half months. I did not understand what was wrong with me. It could of been the street drugs I used while I was a teenager. But how can it affect me 12 years latter.
Now I am very worry that I may hit rock bottom once again. I back track so many thoughts in my mind to analyze and to figure what was wrong with me.
It could of been so many reasons why my mind was actually thinking this way. It can happen any time. But getting back up on my feet, was lucky, meaning I was so lucky that my mind started to correctly think Think normal once again. Just so much luck. I guess lady luck did not want me to fail. O I guess I got another chance at life.
My mental state of mind was very delusional. I could not analyze what was reality or what wasn't my thinking was upside down.
I walk around the yard at California Mens Colony State Prison feeling down and lost. I could not figure what was wrong with me. But now I am awake, I now on March 25, 2010 understand that mental illness can create a very terrible state of mind.
It felt like I did not fit anywhere. Every where I wnt I felt sad and alone. My friends on the yard talk to me but I was so confuse that I isolated myself. And I did my best to distance myself from everyone strangers and none strangers.
The hard part was waking up and live life once again. The odd things I did or thought about was..........
...1) stayed away from people
2) doctors ask question, but I did not speak back.
3) thought that this was the end of my life
4) and the medications the doctors give me did not work, it made my hands stand still. But now they put me on correct or medication that doesn't affect or side effect me as much.
5) Throwing away my property, and somehow my prescription eye glasses got broken. And till this day I have no eye ware.
6) I even made my arm bleed, I wanted to see some blood. But it was confusing.
7) Throw all my property away. And once I came to Vacaville, I had no property.
CMC [California Mens Colony] decided to send me to Vacaville Department of Mental Health.
Once I arrive to Vacaville my mind was still in a state of unhealthy thinking.
Thinking was How did I get myself to become so down? And feeling so depress that I avoided people and to program.
And why did I not talk to doctors sooner to figure out the problem? The problem that I finally figure out was my brain was over thinking and did not separate facts from fiction, meaning what was real and what was not.
When they ask me to go to groups at Vacaville in Octobler through January, I did not go or program. Because I was in my own world. Somehow I finally step out from this state of isolation. But it took a lot of work. Putting me on the correct medication and being around good people help me out a lot.
When I was in this mental state of depression, I saw life in a whole new prospective and I now value life much more. I saw that every single person life was vaulable. And no ones life should be devalue.
We all live on this one blue or green rock called PLANET EARTH. And if we don't wake up and live life the best way we can. I am afraid to say that the person who fail to live life to it's fullest will be wasted a good life.
But sometimes it's very differcult to live life to it's fullest when one has a breakdown. Meaning that person's thinking or mind has become so disoriented that it is mentally affected and backward thinking. Life is much better when my mind becomes normal. Meaning I finally am thinking normal once again. It feels good to be who I am.
Chapter Two
BACK ON TRACK
Once I figure out or my mind decide what was reality and what was not. Then I'll be back on track. Somewhere in October through January my mind was so over loaded with information. It was very differcult for me to separate what was real and what was not.
Somewhere in mid January 2010, I finally woke up and live life once again. But it took effort to wake up and get out of bed. And getting medication that did not put me to sleep so much. Now the doctor finally put me on medication that I think is helping me not to become sleepy.
I am also on medication that will not make me so depress. I am court order to take medication. I just hope in the future that the meds., I am taking now will not have side effects that will put me in an unstable mood.
Somehow I got myself to pick up a pen and started to draw pictures once again. At first it was differcult, but then my mind started to come back to reality. And it's like riding a back, you always remember. Then somehow I started to remember so many things that I went through in life...All the good times along with all the bad times. Life will never be the same again.
Now I know that at any time I may experience a mental breakdown. But I am doing everything possible not to have this breakdown. Getting out of this breakdown wasn't simple, but I manage it. I understand that it's good to go to groups that helps a person to gain the skills not to step into this depressive mood.
I went to a group called Mind Over Mood. For many days eack week. And this group help me to figure out my thinking or thoughts, mood, behavior, or physical reaction. Now I use these helpful key words to improve my thing of situations in life.
Beside that, I get a chance to talk to those who runs the group. And to particapate in assignment that can help me become better.
My thinking was still kind of negative thinking but I am doing things that will help me think correctly. I AM FIGHTING EVERY SINGLE DAY MENTALLY, IN ORDER NOT TO THINK SO NEGATIVELY. My mind thinks of all kinds of things. Positive and negative things. It sometimes I feel like I am at a constance battle within my mind. And it is so dame difficult to think correctly.
Truthfully I do not know how other people think. But I have a feeling that people have negative and positive thoughts. And their enviornment shapes who they are.
In March 2010 I was capable or had the opportunity to go to canteen. And I purchase hygienes and some stuff to spoil me a little, and it sure feels good to have the supplies to brush my teeth and things to keep me clean. And ask my brothers for the coffee sure help me out a whole lot. Because the coffee sure helps me stay awake. But I also learn that I need at least nine or eight hour of sleep each day!
The doctor also said I need to do a number 2 everyday. I used to make a number 2 every three days. It was not good, now I learn something new. I am learning how to live a bit healthier.
The things I will learn here at DMH [Department of Mental Health] will surely help me out in the future.
I am understanding to not keep silence when I have mental problems or health issues. I am being more open minded. This place is like a place to give me a chance to have a time out from prison life. Meaning a different program may help my mental behavior.
I have open myself and my mind is open to ideas that can be of help. I must figure out all the tools that will help me think correctly. But it is so very difficult, that I am constancely in a battle within my own self.
Every day it seems like I am always in a battle with my thoughts. Lot of thoughts I keep to myself. Because it's not good to share all your thoughts. I fight in my mind to think of good thoughts. I keep on pushing the negative thoughts away, but its keep on coming back.
I must learn or teach myself the tools to not be so negative. Negative is becoming such a big problem, I must put my negative thoughts in check. I am constancely figuring out ways to get out of negative thoughts. Drawing helps me out a lot. That it is productive and it helps me feel at ease.
Now I am back to writing, it seem like I am getting better. I am not cure but I am learning to understand my own capabilities.
I am also learning to understand my emotion and not let it affect my moods. When my moods are bad, my thoughts become bad. When my mood is bad, I do things different so my mood will change. Hopefully for the better. Or I think of good times to enforce a reality check. It will take a lot of work to get back on track. I have a mind and I am willing to use it to better myself.
Chapter Three
WILL POWER
I learn to understand my own limits and to go the extra mile. But now I also make sure I get some rest. Because my body will function better if I take care of it. When I don't bet rest my mind gets delusional and my thinking becomes unrealistic. That's when my body breaks down. Now I understand that I am not a machine. And I should not treat myself so terribly.
I look deep in my mind for inspiration. I think of family and I get to work. But sometimes I need to just push myself a bit to get moving. Because if I am not productive each day, that day will be wasted. And I do not wish to waste a single day. I understand the time frame of a single person's life. And life is short, it comes and goes. Sometimes mental stress plays a factor and breaks a person down. That's when one must apply all avenue to understand ones own mental state of mind. But sometimes it just doesn't work and a person can become mentally damage for years. Fortunately I was damaged for close to half a year. Somehow I luckily awoke from the mental state of mind. I guess I am a fighter and I did fight to carry on.
The will to live is at times weak, meaning the mind becomes so cloudy that it needs a tune up. And to clear all the negative thoughts will take lots of work. Just being around people who are caring and kind can clear a patients mind, for the better. But it may take many more months to heal a person's mind, not to say it won't happen again. One must figure out all the trigger that put that much stress on a person mind. Then learn all the tools that can help a person not to go through that road or state of mind or thinking. Avoiding blocks in the road way will be helpful.
Fortunately I am learning and understanding my own will power and figuring out ways to use it to benefit my life. The will to continue to move forward is strong. So many blocks in the road, but some how always I have found a solution to my own problems. I guess thinking about family do help ease tension in the mind.
In life I consider myself a lucky person. Even though I am in prison for 21 years. And my mental state is kind of shakey and not well.
Sometimes I feel like it's hopeless, but it seems always my will is strong and takes on its own life. That's when I push myself forward and continue this game of life. It seem so difficult many times, I just do not truly understand how I continue to see things through. I guess it's not time to give up. The fight is still on and I am willing to continue to fight. Because I am not a quitter. I fight every single day, at times it seems like a losing battle, but when I see it through the day, there may be a better day next morning. Which is why I am ready to fight each day that comes my way. In hopes of a better future for me and for my family.
One of these days things will be alright. Until then I must keep on doing every thing I am capable to ensure that I myself is not wasting the days. When I waste a day it will never come back to me. I am constancely busy. It's good to feel at ease a nd keeping busy helps me understand my own abilities. Which is why I understand that the only person that can destroy my will power is my own self. I am endanger of harming myself. Which is why I am learning or gaining the tools or knowledge to cope with my behavior, mood, thoughts, etc....To better my well being I must study and learn about my own self.
It is definately a mental battle each day that I am alive. It's just up to each individual on how each day is played out. If the person does nothing or learns nothing, then that day becomes wasted. And it's one less day of living and a person does not have too many days under the sun.
When I first got to Vacaville in DMH I was not even able to understand what I was doing. I didn't have the will power to move forward. Just somehow I do not understand that my own thoughts affected my behavior so much. Maybe I just needed some time to myself. To get away from the world a little bit. It is nice to understand and have control of my own will power.
I am willing to continue to fight each day with the pen. Since I left the swords or any other weapons behind.
It seems now that I am becoming a able person to make better decision. I am living a more productive life. I still love to paint, but unfortunately it is too expensive. Maybe when I get back on track and on my feet I can continue. But for now I need to learn how to continure to take care of my physcical self. It's not simple, but i have to do it.
The will power to get up in the morning, sometime start with something very small. Like looking forward to a nice cup of coffee can help a person to get out of bed.
The small things in life can and will open doors to other avenue. But people tend to lose sight of these blessings. I have learned not to take advantage or over see the little things in life. Because a person may for get that it is the little things on the way to success. That is helping a person to succeed each day. Day by day things will build up for the better or for the worst.
I learn alot to be more honest and open hearted. Because the people who we are around can benefit from our kindness, not to be used though. When I figure out I am getting used I tend to just say no. Then I back off from that person a bit. It's better to learn late then never. A person can also learn alot of new things from different people. Race seems to have no boundaries when it comes to knowledge.
At times I find myself to lose focus of what is important. Getting out of prison is important, but in the last few years it seems as though it lost it's important. I guess because I been in prison for 13 years that my entire thinking is or seems to be so focus on living in prison. I guess I feel so instutionalized.
But I come to terms that i must not do anything to jeoperdize my release date. Time sure moves fast, and I am not getting any younger. Time just ticks on and on, and everyone is just getting older and older.
When a person lose focus on life, they just need to look deep within themselves and push forward for the better things in life. It is good to look forward for the good things that life have to offer. But sometimes one has to work for the things that is offered.
I have learned that material things in life come and go, but knowledge tends to stay with a person for life. But it is definately good to have material stuff to make life a bit easier. Life can become difficult when a person doesn't has the necessities in life. But if you have a mind you can find your way and improve your living standard.
No one ever said life was simple, unless they have been so spoiled. That they lose sight of what lfie really is.
When a person is down and do not want to carry on, they must find the will power in them to carry on. The more a person feels down, they must find ways to cope with their moods.
Lots of people lose their will power and are at rock bottom. And life seems to become such a burden that they do not wish to carry on. And they find ways to self inflick pain. Some people just want to bleed or see blood. These people do have a mental illness. They need to learn lessons to get them out of that state of mind.
Chapter Four
LIFE JUST BEGUN
It seem as though life have just started once again. Taking little steps to ensure healthy living. Maintain a system that will help remind me of simple task which I must full fill each day. Start out slowly and once I am able to maintain this simple schedule I can add more to it. But this time I must not over do my own abilities.
When I say life just begun, it can mean different thing to different people. I lost everything. And with the ability to remember, or what is in my mind it comes back. Now I have materialistic things again. In order to help others you must be able to help yourself. Step by step I am making progress. And the task is to not have another mental breakdown. I am figuring out what triggers made me ill. It can be many factors. The enviornment, the people I am around. The food, also the medications. These all play a role into my mental state of mind.
I start life once again, but I do understand or am going to analyze the factors that put me in this odd behavior.
At this moment my life is not all so great, but I am satisfy with what I have. Meaning I am grateful to be alive.
There are so many roads one can choose to go in life. Some roads are good, but getting to a best suited road one can be great. Meaning the correct road I must take all signs points to this road.
To start from nothing again is very confusing to me, meaning without help; I can not or unable instancely to have the supplies I need. But I work with what I do have. I guess it starts somewhere. Once I pick up the pen, it's like magic, and takes a life on it's own. I just keep on drawing and writing once again. Sometimes it fills so frustating that I somehow find different avenue to relive my stress.
I turn to smoking when I am stressing too much. But now I quit smoking, I minus well not even pick up a smoke. In a way I do need to change, so I change from being a smoker to not being a smoker. Besides I can use the money in a more productive way. I can purchase supplies that can be a benefit to life.
It feels good finding yourself again and continue the Dream. I thought it was over with my state of mind and odd behavior. But luckily I found some ground and step back on the road. When falling, one just have to get back up on ones feet.
So many things have happened to me in life, that sometimes looking back and wondering how I am still alive. I guess I am fortunely a lucky person that is still alive. I know the wrong road only leaves a person to fail. And I am doing everything possible to not walk the wrong way. Believe me prison is not a place to be. There are so many better places to be then being incarcerated. There are so many things a person can do outside these walls. So many places to go, but a person must first have a good chuck of cash to travel. Doing things or looking to better ones life is also good. People who works hard to achieve a purpose usually tend to find a way to succeed.
Every time I create a piece of artwork it seems a little piece of me is imprinted in the creation.
Maybe death was knocking at my door steps. That awaken me to see life in a new view. Live once live to it's fullest. And learn not to be down or feeling sad all the time.
The tought part of life is deciding who to be around with. The people you are around with can be a benefit to you or they can take you down by choosing wrong decision. Being around people who breaks the law can get you arrest. To know a person behavior one has to discuss or exchange knowledge. Just by talking to people one can understand and see what kind of person he or she is. In order to do busines one needs to hook up a good communication line.
Most things in life while do business or just visiting someone or just simply meeting a group of people, a person must be able to communicate with the other person. When you do not communicate, it is difficult to even do business. But if you are smart you can see that a customer want to purchase the things in their hands.
It starts out talking to people and sooner or later you will find someone that is able to help you.
It also starts out by working toward a goal or a task, will get you a step closer to your goals. If you just sit around and do nothing, then nothing will happen. So I advise you to speak, write, draw, etc....To be able to communicate with others. If you do not have good communicating skills, I advice you to find a way to learn these skills. Almost everything we do, we communicate as people.
My own life seems to just begun once again. This time I am planning to do everything correctly. I can not afford to fail. That is why I also need to learn or study my own behavior and abilities. So I can apply the good and block out or not use the bad.
I do not wish to become mentally ill again. Because it is not fun to not understand or lose the grip of reality. Believe me right now for this entire month I been doing every thing that is permitted possible to not get confused again. But I know all so true that anything can happen in life. I also understand if I figure out the problem, I may gain the skills to cope with these mental affects. Which is why I am going to the groups which help me understand and gain the tools to apply to myself.
There are medication group which teaches what effects which medication haves on a person. There are groups the relaxes the mind and other good groups, hopefully I groups that will benefit me this coming up circle (quarter).
I am getting the chance to see though the entire circle (quarter). I need these groups to better understand myself. And know when to ask for help when my mind have a breakdown. Now I am fully aware that mental illness can affect me at anytime in life. But I also need to learn how to handle or where to look for help. Within me or elsewhere if I can not heal myself.
I am learning to catch myself before I get mentally ill. Which is why it is good to take a time out to understand my own behavior. That way I can tot down how I feel when trouble or a mental state of mind creeps up. Figuring out the problem before the bad effects happen, is deffernatly a plus. It seems difficult to catch myself when I start showing negative signs, but I have learn to keep a journal about my mental state of mind when it happens. In order to understand others mental state of mind, I must understand my own state of mind. So I will not be too close to a person who are mentally in a negative mood. Or I can help the person understand that they do have people who cares for them around this department of mental health.
All these people in a-3 (inmates) have their own mental illness, which is why they were sent to this program. I myself have many years and many more mental battles I may have to fight. But I am hopeful this time that I wll have the skills to cope with this mental illness. Which is why this place is keeping me here for around nine months. This way I can do a self check to see what I must do for the reminder of years I have left in prison.
Once I leave Vacaville DMH, I am expecting to recover at least 97%. Right now my recovery is around 78%, but other days around 80%. I still have a lot to work at the things I need to do to keep my mind in good shape. Now I need to figure out a way to exercise, but it seems like it isn't going to happen anytime soon. I also need to do steches to losen up my joints, because it helps me feel good and relax.
My life seems like it finally just begun. And I intend to not let it slip by me. I will put effort into these remaining few years. And put myself into the mood to be productive. And to not see or to know that I have wasted these past few years, that I have left in prison.
So I continue to improve all the areas that I am good at. I work at these areas. Because I am getting better at these task, doesn't mean that I should stop improving myself.
If I do not continue to be productive I am letting life slip me by. And it's a bad sign that I have lost the will to continue.
At times I push myself to work at things that will be beneficial to my being. Which is why it is sometime good to push one self. But one must not over push ones own capabilities.
I have accepted or have register that it is a fact that I am a prisoner. And not to complain at the correction officer. Because they are in authority, and one will never win when a wrong is done to those who are in blues. I stay away from the green coats, and learn not to argue with the green coats.
I have come a long way to be at the state I am today. Been through many roads in prison, and thought that I have learn everything I need to do in prison to survive. Then new road blocks comes up. And then a whole new style of doing time in prison arrives. All I can do is learn from past mistakes and not make the same mistakes twice. It becomes a big burden on me whenever I make the same mistakes twice.
Sometimes people have only one chance, and if they make that one mistake that can lost them their entire life. Which is why a person must watch what they do. And not to break laws that can cost them a sentence of life in prison.
To The Audiences, Fans, & Readers
If you enjoy this writing, that's good. If it helps you out, that's excellent.
The writer hopes to encourage the audiences, fans, and readers. Moreover, when the audiences, fans, or readers benefit from this book, the author shall be glad.
The writer thanks all. To continue writing for a better world and to improve humanity, the author accept donation in the form of a money order or check send to the address below:
Vuong Van Nguyen K-86302
A-340 CMF
P.O. Box 2000
Vacaville, CA 95695-2000
You can also contact the author in writing to the same address above. Thank you and may your days be blessed..
Chapter Five
IT IS NOT HOPELESS TO RECOVER FROM A STATE OF MENTAL ILLNESS
I am recovering right now from a state of mental illness. And I am figuring out what meds doesn't give me side affects. When certain meds give me side affects, I talk to my doctor. And the doctor figure out how to change to the correct meds to not cause me so much side affects. It may take years to put a person on the correct meds, because so many medication do have side effects. So one must have an open line to be sure to talk to your doctors about the problems they are having. Sometimes it's not even the medication that is affecting a person. Missing meals or not eating in the morning can make a person unbalance. Or not sleeping can and will cloud a persons thinking. So be sure to eat at least something each day. And be sure to gain some sleep. If you do not get your sleep, you maybe acting odd or puting yourself in a wreck.
Once you have control of your mental state of mind once again, do things that will be a benefit. But adapt to things or adapt to the environment and your behavior will not be so damaging. It is better to go to Groups that will help you understand who you are. It's when you understand yourself that life becomes a bit more managing. Manage your life because it's only you that can manage life.
Be good to yourself and not inflect pain or cut yourself. Because it will not solve anything, and the doctors might give you more medication. That's all the doctors do is keep on changing and giving you different medication until they find the correct meds for you.
Taking meds can affect you your entirre life. Taking the wrong meds can damage your body. Learning about different meds can and will be a benefit to your knowledge. Which will help you to understand the benefits and the none benefits of different meds. It's good to know what kind of meds the doctor is giving to you.
Getting out of bed early or around 7am can become very beneficial when you eat breakfast. That is why it's good to do things in the day time. Meaning you should not sleep in the day time and stay awake at night. Do things in the day time and get your sleep at night.
Enjoying yourself is a plus. Because your mood will be peacful or happy. Do things that will make you happy or be around people who cares for you. But in prison it is difficult to find good company. I tend to hang around people who do business with me. I have friends, but it is costly, meaning the more friends the more money I spend. I tend to somehow manage what I can afford to give or help others with. Until I reach a limit, I have to turn the water off. O I can meet my own needs also. If I give everything away, I may not have nothing for myself. Which is why I sometimes may have to cut the water off myself. And I understand how awful life can be without the things or supplies I need.
It is good to help people, but it simply not good to spoil them. Then they expect something all the time. And it is truly not possible for me to take care of every person. But it is good to ease the pain of other mentally ill people. Just maybe directing them to make the right decision can get them in a positive mood. giving a person some food can cheer them up. Or just helping them out can benefit you and them.
Move around different place can relax your mind. And be a healthy way to change your mood, by changing your scenery. Sometimes it's just not possible to change your scenery. That's when you take a few deep breath and release it slowly. This can be signs that will let you know that you are stressing. Then you can apply steps or find things to do to get yourself out of stress mood. Stretch or exercise can and will get your blood move, so you will feel better. Doing these things may be funny to others, but I can only benefit you because you are applying these steps for yourself.
Sometimes just watching television can get your mind out of a mental state of mind. Listening to music can relax your mood from worst to good. It's up to your thinking and what you can do will affect your well being. Sometimes being around people who talks and do ackward things can spark up your mental state of mind. Thats when you do things, to help you change your negative thinking. Change your thinking and life will be better.
Once I get my glasses I will definately feel good. Knowing that my glasses is on it's way helps me to look forward to each coming day. And I will definately feel wonderful, when I can see again. The only things I can see right now is really close things. Because I am near sighted, I only can see the distance of only close to a feet.
Once you recover from a state of mental illness. It is good to learn what kind of illness it is. I have come to terms to diagnose my own behavior as being depressed almost all the time. Now I am figuring out ways to get myself out of a depressive mood. Because being depressed have become a big road block on my mental state of mind. It is good to figure out all the factors that make me so down. I now have a clearer picture of what things I must do to get out of this negatively depress mood.
In order to get out of mental illness, one has to get out of this mentally bad mood. Once you understand your illness you can figure out ways to fight back. And once you find what is the problem you can do things that will improve your state of mind.
Chapter Six
A DEEPER MEANING TO LIFE
When a person understands how precious life is they tend to not over look their lives and other people lives. Every persons life is a gift, and it should not be overlook.
But not all people value life, lots of people devalue life and tend to commit acts of suicide over and over again. These people need to learn skills to improve themselves not to think that life is not worth living. They also need to be around people who cares for them. And help them open their eyes to see that life is worth living. Helping them to cope with their mental illness and to continue the fight just to be alive is definately a plus.
When each person look into themselves, they need to find a belonging, or a place in life to make life meaningful. It's when we do not make life meaningful, we fail to see and realize the importance of life.
Some people find a deeper meaning to life by helping others. I tend to find ways to help others help themselves. Sometimes I use words that can put imprints on peoples mind, so they can remember not to do stupid things that people should not do.
Some people just needs to be push just a little. In order to help them see themselves as a person that can have a true impact on society these people should not waste their lives and sit back and do nothing. If they do nothing, they are wasting a chance to benefit other peoples lives.
A life that is wasted will have no meaning. But a life that is productive will have a good impact on many peoples lives.
Just impacting one person life for the better will not be consider as failure. Meaning now you can impact the next person life that needs a tune up.
I know I am capable of impacting many peoples lives. Which is why I draw, paint, write, and do things around people who needs all the help possible. As long as they learn to help themselves, I will help them. Because it's up to a person to figure out ways to help themselves which will guide them to understand their own lives and take control of their own life. And be responsible to the choices they choose to make in life.
I draw in hopes of cheering a person who looks at the drawing which they purchase. I paint in hopes of people smiling at what they purchase. I write in hopes of people who will enjoy what they read and purchase. I help people out in hopes of opening their eyes to understand how to solve problems. I do all these activities also in hopes of helping my family reach the American Dream. Which seems very difficult to reach. It just makes me work even more and more. Because I want to be alive when things start to happen. Because helping family succeed while I am not alive I will not know if I succeeded or not. I do not want to die and think all the work I have done is in vain.
Days, months, and years pass by, and I tend to find more and more deeper meaning to life. I just add new meaning or just registor it into my data base in my brain.
Every person tend to find a place in life. We all long for a meaning to life. But it's up to each person to find their way. If you live with no purpose, you may be lost in this life. Open your eyes and see what life is all about. And you will understand that this may be the only life that is given to each person. When it's wasted life may not ever return to you. Meaning this may be the only one life that you are so lucky to experience. It's entirely up to you to live life to its fullest. Or waste your life and the chance of doing things you wish you had done before it's too late. There is all kinds of good reason to help people who are near to you because you are actually showing them that you support them and care for them.
I tend to live every single day as it was my last day. This way I am reminding myself that I must push myself to go the extra mile. And not to waste moments in life. But I must also learn and understand that I am human and need to take breaks.
When I look at or think of the true view of the world. It troubles me knowing that there are endless problems in the world or universe. But I also know that where there's a problem there might be someone who can solve it. With one person who can solve one problem, there will be one less problem in the world. But many new problem always somehow arrives. It seems like there is an endless amount of problems. Thats when we need to find those who look for deeper meaning to life, to step up and figure out ways to solve the toughest questions to life.
When a person finds a meaning to life or something to life for, they find meaning for themselves, a higher purpose to carry on. It feels better and more things will follow, meaning a person must take care and stay healthy in order to keep on staying alive longer and longer. Because they have found truly a deep and meaningful purpose to be alive. Which shows a person that life is worth living. But at times one person finds drugs to cope with their suicide problems. That is a terrible direction one is headed. So I advise you not to cope with your problems with drugs.
You need help and maybe, just maybe you will find a good doctor who gives you the correct medication and good direction on the label. Then it's up to you not to abuse the legal drugs that is prescribe to you.
When you find your true purpose in life, you will most likely not even the need to take or use illegal drugs. Because your goals are at a higher playing field.
Your deeper meaning to life can be whatever you choose it to be. Except harming yourself or other. When you choose your deeper meaning, it will be beneficial if it is towards what skill you are good at. If you choose skills that your not good at, it may take many years to crave out the road, and will be very difficult to accomplish. And you may be wasting time to your true purpose in life.
If you are skill in many areas you can rotate which task to work at. As long as you are supplie with the material tha is needed. Sometimes you just have to work with what you have. And work toward a purpose and things will get done. But if you do nothing, nothing will be done. You are the driver and you decide which road to take. If you don't decide your car is just sitting in the garage for how long, as long as you do nothing.
It is a plus when you figure out what you are good at. That way you do not waste precious time and be on your way. Success will always come as long as you are true to yourself. And do not give up, and continure to work at it. even when the Dream seems so far to reach. Just do what you love and are good at. Sooner or later someone will recognize your skills. Once that happens it's another step forward. Until so many people recognize your skills, then there is no holding back. That's when you know your in the game and success is just around the corner. Now all you have to do is keep up the progress. And keep on pushing forward. You can step back and take a rest. But you are still in the mood to continue pushing forward. Which is good if it makes you happy, then continue.
Chapter Seven
MAKING GOOD LIFE DECISIONS
It's not simple to make good life decisions. Sometimes it takes lots of mistakes before a person to open their minds to make the correct decision. It's when we make these small mistakes that we learn not to make these same mistakes over and over again. Then we manuval our selves to make correct decisions. It's better to make small mistakes then to make a large mistake. When making large mistake it can and will affect and may devastate a person life. If the devastating decision is done, it can and will be difficult to change. One may have to do little things to change the damage. It will take time to heal.
You will know when you are making good life decision when you make or pick the correct choices to persue.
When you do task and see it through, you know that you have made a good decision in life. When it's a good decision, you will most likely keep on persuing it. Because you understand the benefit, that when you complete the task, it makes you feet good.
When you choose to persue the wrong task, which will make you unhappy; you will tend not to persue it again. You will learn quickly what can benefit you and what will not be of benefit to you. It's entirely up to you to dig through your mind and abilities to sort out what is good and what is not.
Sometimes exploring other avenue or take up new task can benefit a persons mind, that doing something new will keep on changing a persons thinking. It will be new to the mind. And will help a person become more open minded.
Making good life decision can be tricky and difficult, if a person don't know where to start. You just have to be openminded and explore your decision making skills. See what is right from wrong. Make excellent choice when it is what you find to be correct.
It is entirely up to you when it is up to you to better your own life. But it can be entirely up to a group of people, if the decisions affect the group of people. Which is why you must make good decision, because it can affect many people; not just yourself.
Making good life decision can become difficult if you do not understand what is it you must do to accomplish this task. That is why you must study and look up things. In order to make correct choices in life. Because if you know nothing and do not do the study you will not be able to make good decisions.
Some people depends on us to make good life decision. Because it can have a real big impact on our families lives or our own lives. If you have kids, you must decide on how much each kid needs or necessities are needed for each child. If their needs are not meet, your child can have a real difficult time each day that their needs are not meet.
It's real important to understand other people. And those who you are around. To have a better understanding of other peoples duties in life. So you will not misunderstand a person behavior. There may be many good reason why an individual acts a certain way. It is good not to misjudge a persons behavior, before you understand why they do what they do. Sometimes people don't think and just make bad decision. And fail to realize what they did. Making good decision, you must be aware of what you are doing. When you don't watch yourself, you may not make the best decision.
When you know yourself and those who you are around, it is like auto-matic that you will make the best decision. It feels good to make the correct decision.
Most things we do in life is all decision making. Which is why it is important to have good decision making skills. When we make the same decisions over and over, it's like we program our mind. Example if we decide each day to eat at 8:30 am we will eat at that same time. Then it will become automatic that we will get up each morning to eat at that time. If we decide not to eat at that time then we will not eat. But we may change our breakfast time to 10 am, then we will eat at that time.
If a person has appointments and meetings it is good to decide to show up on time. If we don't show up on time, a person may miss an important meeting. Be sure that you decide to be on time for all your appointmens.
If you have classes be sure to go on time. Because you may miss a good lecture. Or you may miss a homework assignment.
In life it's all about making good decisions. When we make bad decisions is when we fail, so we must keep making decisions until it's the correct decision.
Sometimes it is nice to have the tools to make good life's decision. Example if we have the correct amount of cash to pay rent (tool), then it's easy to make this decision to pay rent. If we do not have enough money to pay rent, we tend to look for alternative and find extra work to find the reminder amount of the rent money.
Each situation can be different . But it's up to you on how you handle each situation on deciding what is the best decision for each situation. It takes time to truly make smart decision.
Sometimes people ask you to do things that you do not want to do. But you do not want to say no, because you may hurt their feelings. Until you finally gain the momentum to say no. You will keep on saying yes. So it takes time to gain self esteem to say no. It's all about knowing when it is a good time to say no.
If we know how to make correct decision and choose not to make the correct decision, it's our own fault that we ot into our own mess. So don't play around when you can make the correct decision. If it's an important decision it's important that we see it through and not fool around, and make wrong decision. What we decide to do will have a big impact on our lives and other peoples lives.
SPECIAL THANKS
Thanks to Bryan and Eric for standing and believing in me when things
seems so far and difficult to believe.
One of these days trust me, we are going to succeed.
We will not ever fall.
If one shall fall, another shall stand.
I can not ever fail, for my own goals and dreams are higher than I have ever
expected it to be.
Chapter Eight
LIVE LIFE LONGER STAY HEALTH
When you do things to stay healthy you will live longer. Exercise could add 2 years to your life, meaning your two years younger if you exercise for 30 minutes each day. Stretch your muscle before you start doing difficult exercise. Staying in shape will make you feel good and keep you healthy. You just need to exercise everyday. If you need rest, you can rest on Saturday and Sundays.
Get in the shower to remove the dead skin and dirt will keep your skin looking younger and you become healthier. Good hygiene, like brushing your teeth and flossing your teeth will make you look ten years younger, if you continue to do it for years.
Eat healthy food can make you feel good and stay healthy. Cook your food instead of eating it uncook can keep you more healthier.
What you choose to do with your body will determine how healthy you live. If you abuse it by smoking you may get cancer and die years earlier. So you should put down that smoke and stop smoking.
If you use illegal drugs you may lose many years of living. Or you can die from an over dose. It will affect your health in many ways. Your bones can become more weaker. Your muscle may disappear because you don't eat. And when you don't eat you may get ulcer.
Exercise your brain to keep your mind healthy. Play cards, dominoes, other games which will help you remember things. The more you remember the younger you feel.
Having friends around and pets can keep you more happy and healthy. Animals like cats or dog can cheer you up when you see them smile and laught you can stay years younger. It takes less muscle to smile then not to smile. So smile a little more.
Chapter Nine
BIG IMPACT
As long as you're alive and not too old, you can have a bigh impact in life. You can make a big impact on your life or other peoples lives. If you are still chasing dreams, keep chasing it if that is your goals. Don't give up on your dream, who knows. You may make millions and be able to help other people chase their dream with some of your money.
Money is important because in order to reach certain dreams you need funding. Money can also help a person buy the supplies to chase their own dream.
It's ok to fail, if you don't succeed try and try again. As for myself I have set my mind not to fail, I don't just try. I do whatever it takes in a good way to succeed. I understand that most likely I will only live around 70 years to 80 years old. Which is why I have around 40 years left to chase the American Dream.
If you want to make a big impact in life, it takes a lot of work and determination. You may have to ask yourself is it realistic or if it may take 10 or maybe even 30 years. If you want to become a doctor in the hospital, you may have to get your PHD and how many years in life you have to go to school. In order for you to help your patients in the hospital.
Having a big impact can being able to provide for your family in life. Which is why some people work two jobs each week to provide food on the table for their love ones.
Making a big impact on our lives, we must look within ourselves and be truthful and see how determine we are to commit that much time. I am commiting myself to make my life and my families lives better. Which is why I do task and things that I know I am capable of doing. Who knows one day I might produce something that will change my families lives for the better. It's also possible I may change many peoples lives, not just my own family. I am in this for the long run. I may be a turtle but I will win in the end.
Sometimes to have a big impact, we need to keep on doing what we love to do. And if we're good at it someone will notice. And things may take off there. But it won't hurt to get things notice a little. If you are good at what you do you may have a big impact on a lot of lives, not just your own.
Chapter Ten
LIVE ONCE; DO THINGS RIGHT
You only get one life to do things right. I advise you not to commit crimes that might put you in prison for life. Because there is no life in prison. Prison is not the right place to be. Prison sucks.
You understand you live once, right? So, when you make mistakes be sure you learn something, and try not to keep on making the same mistakes over and over. If you keep on making the same mistakes over, you haven't learn a thing.
When you do things right it feels good, because you know you did it right. Like if you go through high school, you know you need the schlorship to get into college. So you study to get all A's or B's and you may get into a good college funded by someone. That's if you don't have money, to get into a good college.
Be around people who do not break the laws, and you may avoid making the wrong decision. If you have no money, you may have to figure out a way to get a job or have an income somehow. But I advise you to do it legally. Because it's not fun in prison, you lose your rights. If you don't like a job, if you have enough money you might want to be your own boss and sell your own merchandise. We all live once, we all can not afford to make mistakes, so o things right.
We grow up when we make mistakes and learn from it. As long as the mistakes is not big. We grow when we make small mistakes, and we learn not to keep on making that same mistakes over and over again.
There is just so many tihings to do to keep doing things right. There is relatives we must keep in touch to keep our family close, someone to lean on in difficult times. Sometimes we just need a time out to take care of ourselves. Because sometimes I worry about the needs of my fellow prisoners that I lose sight of my own needs. And I fail to take care of my own needs. I must understand what I can do and what I can afford to spare to help others with. If I give everything away I will not have nothing else. And my needs will not be meet. Then mentally I might think so much that I may become ill again. Which I do not want to become menatally ill again. Sometimes you help and help, but it seems like it's only a small drop in the bucket. Do not feel bad, you did all you can do. It's up to that person to figure out a way to help themselves. Or find the right people who will be able to help them. No one said life was easy, but if our brain still works, there is still hope.
It depends on what we choose to do in life. There is just so many things we can do. There's all sorts of roads to take. We may have to study about ourselves to figure out what is it we choose to do. It can be a career, so we go back to school or learn a vocational skill. Then we have to find a job, and hopefully it's a job we don't mind to work.
For me, at the moment I am still fighting every single day in prison. Meaning mentally I am not doing so good. My mind keeps on hurting, my body seems like it doesn't function right. Today is March 29, 2010, and a few days ago I felt really good. Which is why I am starting to write today, to take my mind off other things. I started to draw but my vision seems to become a little blury.
Chapter Eleven
Problems in Life
I am only 32 years old and I have so many problems. Being in prison just makes me even more frustated. That also causes me to stress, it seems like everything I do seems so stressing. When I do nothing I also stress, that's when I sleep almost all day long. And I know it's not healthy to sleep all day long.
I eat healthy food, and watch what I eat, I eat little, and it seems like I'm not eating right. Even the little problems bother me, it seems like there is no escape. I got to keep myself clean, hand wash my laundry most of the time.
I just got to find or figure out a way to get back on the right direction. It's just feels so difficult to get back up. It always seems that new problems keeps on arising. I been keeping lots of things to myself, but ever since I started writting, I write most of what I think on paper. I guess it's a way to escape for me. I find things to do to have my mind think and will not fall asleep. It's like a struggle every single day, I mentally keep on fighting, because, in hopes of a better tomorrow.
It seems like I'm always at odds with myself. I need to find a way to not punish myself so much. Mentally I don't know what to do. But physically I go to groups, exercise, and find other things to do.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I also find good memories. And I understand that I must live, because everyones life is a gift and we must carry on, move forward.
It's good to figure out things to do, instead of sleeping in bed for 18 hours. Why is it that people sleep so much? They must be depressed, I get this way also. Somehow I manage to stay awake sometimes.
I also have money trouble, I still own money on a student loan. I don't know when I'll be able to pay that back. Plus I still owe around 3 thousand dollars for restitution.
I also understand that people in the streets also have lots of problems. We all have problems, it's up to us to figure out how to solve our problems. Sometime we need to ask others for help. If some people won't help you, keep on asking, sooner or later someone will help you.
I too also have money problems, not as much as people in the streets. I purchase materials that I used each month. I have to estimate how much cosmetics I need for each month. How much food I need, because I hardly eat meat or anything that is animal. I eat lots of soup, top ramen, and vegetables. I purchase lots of pen and paper to do my assignments. I sometimes spoiled myself with ice cream, and chocalate.
Mentally I struggle with my own mind, and think on it's own. I feel so down at times that my body seems so difficult to function. I am going to groups next week in hopes of learning something about my health. Hopefully I learn something that will help me mentally. If I can't have peace in my mind, my other function seems difficult to work.
Chapter Twelve
LEARNING TO LIVE
Life isn't always spectakler, but life will have it's good moments. We live for the memories. It's difficult to live with a mental illness. But people somehow with mental health problems seem to make it through. The more I write it seems like I am also learning about myself.
I use to not value my own life, I try killing myself three or four times. When I was eighteen I try to shot myself in the head with a .38 special. That didn't work. When I lost trial at 20 years old I tried to drink whole bunch of medication, like alot of IBPROFIN and a few box of cold tablets. That didn't work either, I also swallow glass. Now I understand that life must carry on. It's not good to try to kill yourself, life is a gift I keep reminding myself.
Now I am picking up my feet and thanks to Eric, reminding me to continue writting, which is why I am writting right now. Learning to live can become compaciated and frustrated. But I hope I can manage, it's more a headache when I am totally lost. When this happens my mind somehow breaks down. To find myself again I start by finding or doing something familiar. It helps me find my ground when I draw, write, or paint. Today is a good day even though I sleep around eleven hours.
It seems like every few hours I am fighting with myself again and again. Wondering why this will not stop. It seems like I am talking to myself in the head again and again. I am not taking out loud, I just think of it in my head.
Somehow it always seems like I am living a risky life. I guess I have always been a risky person. What kind of risk, like being on my own alot in my teenager years. I had to find food and a place to live.
Learning to live around alot of different races is hard. At first I thought it was not possible. I just had to adapt, and get to know people. But I am unwilling to live with a rapist or a child molester. Because lots of people in prison do not like rapist or child molester.
I play card games, chess, dominnos and other table games. The games sometimes help me cope with being in prison. But I been playing most of these games for thirteen years and it seems like I stop playing.
Sometimes I run, But for the past few years I have not been running. It seems like I am losing the will to exercise.
I decided I am going to do things each day, as long as I have the supplies to accomplish the task. Most likely I will accomplish the task.
I THOUGHT LIFE WAS OVER. This book is online self epublish today April 14,2010. The next new online book entitled OBAMA by Vuong V. Nguyen is being released on GalaxyBooks.Weebly.Com.
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BEING ON MY OWN
Author: Vuong Nguyen
Copyright 2010
Epublish : Noodle
SPECIAL THANKS
I want to thank my Family for always being there for me.
I want to thank everyone who purchase this writing. I hope it
has inspire you and you learn something from this.
TABLE OF CONTENT
Chapter 1 Arrested 1997
2 1998
3 1999
4 2000
5 2001
6 2002
7 2003
8 2004 2005
9 2005
10 2006
Chapter 1
ARRESTED 1997
Just turned 19 years old 15 days ago in 1997 of January.
I got arrested on the 15th of January, for attempted murder. Somehow I found myself being on my own. I understand why I got arrested. But I couldn't believe at this time of life. Somehow I change my life around in 1996. I was going to college and I did great in school, I was a 4.0 student. I got financial aid and student loans. Then my world turn all around the next year. I found myself living in a single cell. I had no money, so the canteen was not open for me. Somehow I got my hands on paper and coloring pencils. So I draw and draw, until I had so many drawings that I sold for canteen goods. Somehow I found a little income. So I brought candy, drawing paper, regular paper, pencil, color pencil, etc....The reason why I made money was because people always come into the county jail for a short time. And they wanted to send something nice to their family.
I went to classes in the county jail to get my dipolma from high school. All I needed was around 20 credits, but I also already had my G.E.D. I went to class and did all the assignments, book after books, until all I needed was 20 something credits. Plus it give me something to do in the cell. I hardly talk to anyone about my case. Since there were only a few that had big cases. I hardly talk to anyone at all, only just doing business.
When I got the chance, I watch television and shower. All year long I went to court a lot for prelimary hearing. The court wanted to see if there is a case against me. Eventually there was a case against me, and they wanted to give me and co-defendents a package deal. If one person don't take the deal we all go to trial. There was two of us who took the deal, but one said no, so no deal. I was one that said yes to the deal. Every body would have gotten out of prison earlier if we took the deal. Now it's too late to even to think about a deal.
I also found my way into the law library and look at what things are in my case. I had a court appointed lawyer, because it's too expensive to hire an attorney. Plus I didn't have twenty or thirty thousand dollars.
We (inmates) got to go to the little yard in the building once in every three to four months. And that's the only time that we had to play hand ball. I also played dominoes, spades, and chess. It gives me relief by playing these games.
When football season came, we all watch the game on television, and we also place our bets on the football pole. I myself only bet one or two dollars each week on the games. I did not expect to win, that's why I did only small bets.
Laundry only came once a week. Change our old for clean clothing and clean sheets.
I got into a little trouble and they sent me in the hole. But I can't remember what I did wrong.
I had a few visist from friends and family. I enjoy any visit I had. It was good to see people, and I felt at ease at each visit.
I also collect lots of stamped envelopes because I knew I would need it. I had hundreds of stamped envelopes. Because stamped envelopes you can trade for stuff.
I also had time to read a lot. That's when for the first time I read the Holy Bible back to back. There's lots of good knowledge in the Bible even if you don't believe in it. The Bible will help you grow as a person. You can actually live a good life with the knowledge in the Bible.
Now it seems like no bodies going to help me with my decision making. I had to make my own decision on everything. I have to check myself, so I won't get into a rack.
It didn't feel good being lock up in the county jail. It seems that my life was over. Since I figured out that at least 99.9 percent I was going to lose in trial. But that will happen in the future.
I felt very down most of 1997, because I knew all so real that this is happening to me. I also knew or understand that I was going to lose in trial.
Dad came to visit me, he asked did I need a lawyer. I knew I was going to lose, so I didn't want to put my parents in debt for any reason.
When they arrested me the task force ran into the entire house. With no reguard of who's who's room. They only supposed to go into my room only! I felt very aweful what I put my family into.
Chapter 2
1998
Going to court preparing for trial. The court room in the back somehow let me borrow some clothing to get ready for jury selection and trial.
The lawyers selected which jury member they wanted to be the jury and to fill in the chair. We did this until we had a full jury to judge us.
I was stressing so much that I brought a few books of stamps with me. So I can purchase me a few smokes.
The only evidence they had was people talking on the witness stand. There was no other evidence except for some pictures.
The moment I saw the jury I knew we were going to lose. Till this day I still wonder why we went to trial. Fight a losing battle was not a smart thing to do.
They drove us to the court building in downtown Sacramento. That was where I brought the smokes. Man once I got back to the county jail, I started to light up one smoke after another in my cell.
Trial lasted for around three weeks. The entire case lasted over a year.
The jury convicted me of attempted murder for 26 years. I was sentenced on February 20, 1998 once the judge did his sentencing, we got to go back to the country jail. That's when I drank a whole bottle of Ibprofine, and a couple of boxes of Cold Tablets. It did not killed me, but it make me throw up and sad. I guess it wasn't time for me to go. So I carry on with what little life I had left. It was not much, but it was something.
Now I had to wait until the bus pick me up to RCCC. Then from there send me to reception. So I went to RCCC for a few weeks. In a dorm of eight people, we played games like Risk, Chess, Cards, etc... I used my stamps to purchase a little bit of candy and coffee. And I sold a few drawings for smokes there. Some people were someing tea out of the bags, they had nothing to trade with so that's all they had.
Finally they sent me to reception in Tracy prison. That's where I got my CDC #, I have stuck with me until this day, and who knows how longer.
First thing I did at Tracy was trade 30 stamps for two pouches of tobacco. And 10 more stamps for a lighter. Went out to the yard, the yard was huge! They had weights, basketball, track, etc...
Now I had to wait and see which prison they were going to send me. The court wrote a letter or some lawyer was appointed to me by the court of appeals.
Finally went to the canteen and all I brought was smokes and coffee. Can of Bugller tobacco only cost around $5.
I smoke every single day it seems like. Reception decided to send me to High Desert, the entire prison was on lock down. So we ate in the cells for over half a year. If we were lucky we will get a shower. Other then that we take bird baths in our cell.
If we were lucky we got to go to the cement yard, a very small yard.
Most of the time I was in the cell I read the Bible, because that's the only book I had.
I was saving the money in my books to get a CD RADIO and a television. I purchased the radio first along with cds like Phil Collins, Scorpions and a few more cds.
Then finally I saved up enough money to purchase a television. Thanks to Eric who help me out so much.
I still had art paper and color pencil, so I kept drawing, so I can sharpen my drawing skill. I brought paint, but level four prison does not allow inmates to purchase paint and paint brush.
Somehow we were on lock down and got the ordering catolog, because some other Vietnamese had the catolog and they also sent me and my celle a care package, items included lighter, pouch of Buggarler tobacco, and some soups.
Chapter 3
1999
Now I had a radio along with a television. I was living with an older Vietnamese person. He was over 50 years old and got 3 strike for a mino case. He had 40 dollars worth o5 dope which he used.
I draw on and off for 1999 and was experimenting with art-work. I had to purchase supplies in the art catolog, which I did. Where did I get the money, mostly from my brother, who's been good to me.
I draw stuff like in the county, used pen and color pencil. But I was making a few sales here and there, nothing big.
I had a job in the laundry room. My boss was a woman. I didn't mind. She look good for her age. But I would never make any move. Because I am determined to get out of prison. She was a really good boss. She wasn't selfish. She let me get clean and new laundry for myself as long as I was a hard worker. Which I was, I sweep, mop, put wax on the floor. Make sure all the sizes of clothing and boots were in the correct department. Tag numbers on the correct clothing locker. Also water the plants, push the laundry cart to its correct building. I also was on the cri citical worker list and when the prison was lock-down I could go work.
I also hook the Vietnameses up with clothing that they needed. Because some of them needed new clothing for visit. Wanted to look nice for family.
The institution was often on lock-down on and off. There were always or always seem like there a problem on the yard. Most of the prisoners were lifers. Also played handball in the yard, exercise and ate three meals a day. The food was good. When I was in High Desert State Prison, I went to the store mostly purchasing coffee, tobacco, and soups. It seems like all I ate was soups. Being on your own you must open your eyes and appriceate all the help offer to you. You learn not to take people kindness for granted. Mom, dad, brothers sometimes send me a little money here and there. I did not waste any money, because I knew how difficult it's to get the money.
I learn how to stretch a dollar and get all it's worth. I also learn for the first time to play Texas Hold Em. I wasn't no good but I knew what hands I had because I played poker at Cash Creek (Seven Stud Poker). I didn't win in the casino either, it was fun to play, but you can not be a fool and lose it all. If you lose all your money it isn't smart, I guess you may have to find a less expensive habit.
I smoke a lot this year, I brought lots of tobacco. Because it seems I was stressing every day. This is my first term in prison. I learn how to Respect others no matter what race they are. If I wanted to talk to other race, I'll keep my distance unless I am Welcome to get closer. I usually hang around the Asians and played cards like Pinocale with them. I also played chess and a few other games.
There were lots of prison politics in the prison yards.
I brought magazines pictures of womens. Because I am not gay, and needed to release or release stress.
Also exercise on the yard, did pull ups, dips, and stretches. Exercise at least five times a week. I was in good health and flexable even though I smoke.
People were getting new tatoos all the time. I didn't wanted to get any tatoos. Because I may regret later. Which I did with the few tatoos I had when I was in the streets. All you need is a moter, Indian ink, pen and guitar string for the tatoo gun. Also need sand paper to sand the needle.
The program at High Desert State Prison seems good. But there are too much violence there.
There's always some race always on lock down at High Desert. Because there's always some kind of drama there. I was lucky this year, I did not get into trouble.
Chapter 4
2000
I begin the year with no new year resolution. I still smoke a lot, and drink coffee. The Vietnameses here are like my family away from home. They go to canteen and give food to other Asian who doesn't have nothing to eat or consider it we share what we have with each other. I was always Independent and hardly ask for anything, because I am a survival. But I accept any help that family in the streets give me.
This year I also keep reading the Holy Bible I also went to other ceramonies. My faith started to become Christianity. I was so blinded that I was looking for something to belong to. But I wasn't sure that this religion was really real. I learn a lot of things in the Holy Bible to apply what I learn to my life. I still had a television, but I love music more than television. So I used the radio to listen to mostly Vietnamese music. That the other Vietnameses let me borrow.
I was still working in the laundry room. I was a hard worker. But prison does not pay you much. I got a few dollars every month for the job. But the true benefit was getting clean and new clothing and boots along with new jackets, because it snow and was cold up there.
This year you can still get a package sent in from the streets. Meaning family can go shopping and purchase Asian food to be sent. And other prison priviledges.
I was not into watching televison much these years, but I keep up with the news.
I also was still drawing and learning how to draw with ink pens. It was difficult to learn. It seems like I was experimenting with drawing free hand a lot. I went through lots of drawing sketch paper. I was drawing in color pencil for other Asian friends. Because some of the Asians wanted to send some drawings to their family. So I draw when I had extra time. I didn't mind doing it, since I started to fall or appreciate art more and more.
There were around 15 Vietnameses and we were close to each other. We had to look out for each other, we always keep our eyes open, if there was anything happen to us in the yard, meaning we had each others back.
We had our Vietnamese New Year celebration. We all pitched in five dollars for the Asian food that was sent in from the streets.
I still haven't got a visit in prison yet. But I manage to cope with what I learn, I still was independent and really hard headed. I was alway serious. I was a small person, compare to other people. Life was pretty difficult. I did not enjoy my life. But I always was on the move. I always had something to sell or to trade. I had to find a few bucks here and because no one was going to help me. I had to find a way to help myself. When i did voleenteer work in the kitchen, the correctional officer let us bring extra food home (in cell) for helping them out.
There was a stabbing so they stripped all the prisoners out in the snow. To look for weapons and took pictures of the scene. No one would say they knew who did it. Because prisoners keep it to themselves or else they may be the next person kick out of the yard.
Chapter 5
2001
I stop reading the Holy Bible, I started to lose my faith as a Christian. And did a lot of soul seeking, I wanted to understand who I am
This is the year I got transfer to Mule Creek State Prison. I also did a lot of meditation. I just like to meditate. The prison log all my property a few days before I got sent to the next prison. I said my final good-byes to the Vietnameses. And I recommended my laundry job to a friend and my boss hired him. Now I am at my next prison.
When I got to the yard the prison officer give me all my property. Then I was on orientation meaning stay in cell for few days. The Vietnameses sent me a care package. In it was soups, coffee, tobacco, and a lighter. But I also transferred with tobacco. So I had tobacco with me. The vietnameses told me there's two cars. The Asian car and the Islander. There were around twenty Vietnameses. The Chineses, Koreans, Hmongs, Loas, Cambodians, and Vietnameses were in one car. The Asians car had around thirty something people. The Islanders had around that amount also.
I somehow got my GED proof into the C-File, so the prison put me in office services, a computer class. I went to office services till the end of 2001.
I hung around Tran and Pham. They taught me how to play Vietnamese Chess later on or a few times this year. They cell me up with an Islander then I hook up a new celle. He was Vietnamese, we were cool with each other. We shared whatever we had.
I draw this year but not as much. My celle also love to cook, his food was alright.
The Asians played basketball most of the time. They hate to lose so they were very competative in all the sports that were played. Other games soccer, volleyball, handball, exercising, chess, and etc... we also placed bets on football games. Everyone tried to hint the hundred dollar pole. I played but never hit the hundred dollar pole. But I hit the pick-ems, hit close to a hundred dollars in cosmetics and food.
This was the year when the twin tower in New York got hit with the air planes. I thought they were making a movie. But they weren't. It was real, America was under attack by Afganerstain (Bin Latan). The prison was on lock down until a few days later. America was at war, the Afganastain also hit the Pentagon.
The market started to lose money, stocks were going down, and prices for oil shot up. Then the United States started to attack in Afganastain. They show the invasion on the television. The United States flew jets with missles, also had un man little spy plane and short target missles into Afganastain. They could not kill Bin Laden, never found Bin Laden. Gas shot up around three to four dollars a gallon.
Chapter 6
2002
i started the year off by exercising with Tran and Pham. We exercise five times a week. I can do 25 to 30 pull-ups. But I usually do 15 pull-ups on 3 sets of 15. We would exercise about two hours each day, five times a week. Unless we were very very tired we would rest. Sometimes we do sit-ups, but not as much.
I would always hang around Tran and Pham. Sometimes we eat outside or open a spread for the Asians.
I was still drawing on small size paper. I sold each drawing for two dollars a piece. Made a little extra money on the side. And brother was looking out for me, family sometimes send me a little cash here and there.
Still played the football pole, but still never hit. Completed the entire vocational trade (office services). Then I was unassigned for a few months. I still smoke, the prison still sell tobacco. But no more weight or magazine. They took away the magazine along with the photo graphs.
I received my diploma or completion of office services. America was still looking for Bin Laden and attacking Afganastain.
Tran and Pham taught me about football. Tran's a Green Bay (Bret Farve) fan and Pham was a 49ers fan. And I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. We always place bets on the game a few dollars, and we like to play the football poles. We watch the games on television. Whenever the Packers played Tran always stayed in to watch his team played. That is how much he likes the Packers.
I also play sports with the Asians, but I was no good at sports. But they keep telling me to play. I can't see without glasses. But I still played soccer and I stay back to kick all the balls to the other side, I was defending. The goally was Tran, and Pham was playing attack his job is to score. We played against the Blacks once. We played against the Bisa (Mexicans) many time, because they love to play soccer. We also played against the Islanders.
Then at night yeard we played volleyball next to building 15. That's where most the Vietnameses live, I also live there.
There's six showers the Whites would have two showers. The Blacks would have two showers. The Asians had one shower but two showers placed in one. And the Mexicans had one shower with two showers in one. The Native Indians and Islanders would shower with the Asians.
The United States was still in Afganastain fighting the war that seems to have no end. They keep sending more and more soldiers there. They also wanted Pakastain to help, and used some of their land for bases. The U.S. had a few Europeans countries that would help them with the war.
During one of the Vietnamese Birthday, he open a big spread for the Asians. Because he had money sent in, plus he works in P.I.A. (Prison Industry Authority). So he can afford to do that, and it was good food.
I got better at playing Vietnamese chess, but I can not beat Tran and Pham. They were too good at this game. Also played Pinochale at least five times a week, for three to four hours each time. Sometimes we would play Risk or Monopoly.
I sometimes go gamble with the Mexicans playing Mexicans Poker. Played around three times and lost, so I stop gambling with the Mexicans. Bet a few times on baseball games on t.v.
Chapter 7
2003
Started the New Year with no new year resolution. Still smoke because I was addicted to cigarrets.
this was the year I started to order large paper (18"x24") sheets of paper. To draw on graphic artworks. The Dragon took me close to a few hundred hours to complete. I also draw for Tran and Pham. This is the year that I really got down to drawing graphic artworks. I also draw on cotton sheets. I started to purchase acrylic paint, and for the first time I started to paint. I was experimenting with the paint. It was difficult to paint, but I did not gave up, I continue to paint. What ever money I had, I purchase art supplies.
This year I was hired to work in the law library. I handed out law books, and I was in charge of the fiction and non-fiction books. I put all the books in order, by numbers, and authors, and book titles. It did not take me long to learn the systems in the law library. I read or scan most of the non-fiction books. This was the year I went through all the Encyclepedia books. I also learn about law, but I was not into law. I also read civil law. I scan through all the national Geographic magazines. A few years of magazines.
I also asked my friends to purchase Artist Market Books. Then I checked out how to use the copyrights. So I could protect my creations on paper. I draw a lot, I made stacks of artworks, in the thousands. For some reason I knew I was going to be good at drawing and painting. Even though my work have not sold for money. I kept on working, someday it will get known.
I also study on the famous painters and drawers. Like Pablo Picasso, Vincent Van Gough, Michael Angalo and many other great painters.
Still played chess, pinochale, and exercise. Played a few games of soccer. Played a little bit of basketball, watch television, favorite show was Star Trek Voyager, watch from the beginning to it's ending. Also watch a few seasons of Big Brother. Check out the Spanish channels. I still had my radio but did not purchase any new cd's.
Move from Building 15 to Building 13, because my roommate had to move to the gym. The gym house mostly level two and a few lifers.
Once I learn everything I needed in the law library I quit the job. So now yard crew hired me to pick up trash in the yeard with no pay. So I decided to quit that job also. So now they put me in a porter position in Building 13. I also got tired of that job so I quit. They put me on L-statis for a few months. So I had day and night time to keep on creating artworks. I brought a few hundred pens this year, to do my artworks. I started to draw in pen only because it made me faster. I did not waste much time, I mangage my day and was precise on what to do each and every day.
All the artworks or most of the artworks I sent to Bryan. People would ask me to purchase the football stadium that I drew for Tran. But I said no because I didn't want to draw another one. They would pay $30 to $50 dollars. I drew a few portiats in ink pen.
Still place bets on football games. But still did not hit the football pole. But I hit the 4 picks, got paid around $30 to $40 dollars.
The prison stop playing rated r movies because people was complaining how violence and nudity the movies were. So there's no more good movies on the prison movie channels.
My appeal lawyer got me five years knock off my sentence, instead of 26 years. Now I have 21 years. The court double jeopordy me and give me two great bodily injury, instead of one. One was for 10 years and the other one was 5 years. So they knock out the five years to put it 21 years.
I smoke so much that I started to smoke lots of cigars. Cigars were more expensive but I sold alot of drawing cards this year.
My friend got parole this year and left me alot of Vietnamese cd music and clothing, like sweat pants, sweat shirt, and shorts.
I started to collect stamps a lot this year. I had over a thousand stamps. Most of the time I traded small drawings for ten stamps a piece.
Chapter 8
2004
I started the year off by drawing and continue to draw and paint the entire year. I was ordering lots of art supplies, purchased acrylic paint, pens, paper and etc...
Quit the porter job then they gave me a main kitchen job. Which I had to unload the food from the trucks. And reload food for the regular kitchen. Lots of work to be done also after finish working, the boss sometimes let us eat whatever food we wanted.
Watch football and still place bets. But never hit the football pole. Still exercise with Tran and Pham. Every Vietnamese, Korean, and Chinese New Year, we all pitched in and open a spread. We all ate and had fun.
Now there's a new rule, we can not get packages from home to prison anymore. But we can order food and other items through a package vender that the prison chooses.
Still smoke and drink coffee, because I was addicted to tobacco.
Moved from Building 13 to Building 11. And still found time to continue to do artwork. Didn't go to kitchen because the food was the same every week.
Live with another Vietnamese for a few months and he got parole. Then lived with an Islander and move him out and had another Vietnamese celle.
Got a visit from Bryan, haven't seen him for seven years.
Watch television and turn to that 70's show. That show was good, which is why I watch that show.
Played sports mostly soccer, but the Vietnamese played basketball on the weekend. This year lots of Vietnamese got paroled.
I used most of my stamps which I got to send artworks to Bryan. Continue to get faster and faster at creating artworks. Art supplies can become expensive, when you don't have much money.
Sometimes I went to services.
Still draw for Tran. He always asked me to draw for him. He appreciate it, and always give me a drawing task.
Glasses broke and had someone fixed it. Radio also broke, but no one knew how to fix it. Then a friend in prison purchased a radio and gave it to me. Tran and Pham gave me extra Vietnamese cd they had.
Play handball at least four times a week. Summer was hot and spring was wet as rain falls down a few months.
Stayed in my cell most of the year and stay awake a lot, to produce artworks. Getting better at painting but still did not understand how to do it real quick.
Played card games in the afernoon almost everyday. And loser had to do 25 push-ups. I won more games than I lost, time went by.
Every week Tran and Pham cook once and shot me some of their cooking. It was really good food, used the hot pot to cook the fish, or meat. It was something they enjoy doing.
Chapter 9
2005
Started the New Year with a new year resolution-quit smoking. I didn't smoke for this entire year. The store stop selling tobacco, but the package catolog still sale tobacco for a few more months.
The main kitchen transferred my job to the regular kitchen. So I work there, not for long. Mule Creek State Prison lock every one down in C-yard. The prison changed c-yard general population, and shipped everyone on c-yard to different prison. The prison moved people that was sny (sensitive needs yard) to c-yard and transfer all the gp to different prison.
All the Vietnamese people I knew was sent to another prison. They sent me to cmc (California Mens Colony State Prison) at the beginning of this year. Tran and Pham gave me more Vietanamese cd, which I love to listen to. But the music was so sad, it made me very depress. But I also listen to American music, which sound good also.
I transpack a television and a radio. Along with tobacco a few cans, I put the tobacco in a safe place so they won't take it. Because cmc stop selling tobacco, and each cigarrets was worth 3 dollars a piece. I made a lot of money on selling the few cans of tobacco that I had.
I got into a fight with my celle, and was in the hole for a few months. I got out and lots of my property was missing. I didn't fill out a 602 (Appeals Form). I just took lost.
Somehow I stop eating and the doctors were worry so they sent me to a dmh hospitol. Then I started to eat again, I lost a lot of weight. Stayed at the Department of Mental Health for a few months. Then they sent me back to cmc, and put me on medication. The court keyhe a me meaning it was mandatory that I take medication or else they give me the needle to get the meds in me. THE MEDICATIONS GIVE ME SIDE EFFECTS FOR MONTHS. Then they put me on another medication to try to take away the side effects. Finally they took me off some medications and put me on a different medication and it was better then the last one. I also got my eye glasses from the optomatrist.
All I did was kept on drawing pictures all year long. The more I draw, the better I got.
Still a1a unassigned and saw the doctor once every week. I was now eop, mentally unable to comparehind things. So I got a list of groups that I was suppose to go. But I hardly went to any groups, because I wasn't up to it.
This year I was recovering mentally. It was a very bad year, it was a tought time for me. My radio and television got lost. So all I did was draw, ran out of paint and couldn't paint this year.
Went to the little day room to watch television. Walk around the yard a few hours each day. Did not eat much because I just did not like the food.
Chapter 10
2006
This D-yard had people with all sorts of mental illness. They change my medications a few times, up and down.
My mood was not as good, until I played chess with another person. This yard had no politics, I could talk to anyone I like.
Had a couple of packages sent in. Ask my brother to purchase me a cd walkmen and a hair clipper.
Didn't smoke this year, because tobacco was three bucks for one cigarrettes. Went through most of my groups. The group I like most was yard group. I went to some groups that showed movies.
Watch lots of television, and stay out the yard everyday.
Keep on creating artworks, and getting better at it. Order lots of drawing supplies. Sent artworks to Bryan.
Meet lots of people of all races. And lots of them had a very fast parole date. Meaning they were short timers.
Lots of sales or trade of food, cosmetics, and etc. I purchase the mini canteen ducats, to purchase supplies that I needed on the yard. Plus you can get things that the canteen doesn't have. Or you may purchase a less expensive item.
Played Black Jack for money, but I wasn't playing all the time. Black Jack just doesn't seem very fun.
Stop eating got sent back to dmh for three to four months. My thoughts got more and more better, I was getting heal.
Still didn't eat much, sometimes I got to the dinning hall just to give my food away. I am not a big eater, I only eat once or twice a day.
Purchase ink pens, had over 50 ink pens. Drawing uses a lot of ink. Hurricanes were hiting Texas, where my family lives. I was always worry when Hurricane season come. Mom sent me money now and then. Write to mom every year, to send my love.
Think about the past, was visiting life on the street. Which seems so close but so far to reach.
Stayed up late most of the time, and slept very little. Listen to Vietnamese music and drink coffee to feel like I was in the streets.
There was hardly any fights in the yard. Maybe 4 or 5 fight on d-quad each year.
The cell was very small. And hardly any room for two people. So I went out or stayed in the quad most of the time.
Stayed in the wind and rain when it came. Just wanted to get wet, then I had to wash and dry my clothes.
Half of my property was missing because moving back and forth from cmc to cmf.
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FALLING APART
By: Vuong V. Nguyen
Manuscript enter by: Quan Bui
Copyright 2010
SPECIAL THANKS
I would like to thank my two friends for their help and inspiration.
I am also thanking those who have purchased things that I have created like art works and writings.
CHAPTER ONE
APART
When a person falls apart, it may become difficult to get back up. You may be broken into millions of pieces.If your broken into millions of pieces,It may never be the same again, because that may be too many pieces to be able to put back together.
If your only broken into a few pieces,then there is much hope for you. You can slowly piece the few pieces back together. If it's only a few piece it can be good,because you will have lots of time pieceing them back together. It becomes hard to make a mistake on them few piece. Because you will be focus and willing to place them together.
If nothing is broken, don't stick your hands or idea's where it doesn't belong.If it's not broken, don't even try to fix it. Meaning if certain pieces is not broken, Don't try try fixing it.You may make it worst, when you stick your hands where it doesn't belong.That's why things are broken, because you have this great idea that everything needs to be fix. In life, lets face it, everyone have falling apart before. It's not what made us fall apart, it's how we get back up, that's what count.
How do we or one knows when we fall apart. Are there signs or is it just that it's to late to see it when it happens.Sometimes there can be signs like not going to work, not dressing up for work.Bad sex life, not haveing fun.But then other times it just happen so. Sudden that we or one fails to realize that it is happening to them. If we or one can catch themselves from falling apart. They can seek help from other people before it gets so bad, that it will be so difficult to fix. Certain things can not be fix over night. It may or will take time to fix. A quick solution isn't always the best, a quick fix isn't always the best fix.
When you fall apart so suddenly, it will be difficult to catch yourself. Because so suddenly your world have turn up side down. You may feel and say, why is this happening to me? Just remember this, other people also fall apart, during moments and tragedy in their life time. Only thing one can do is have so faith and figure out ways to hep yourself.
When you are broken, you may have to go to the root of the problem. To have a clear picture of what needs to be fix. When your at the root of the problem, you may see what really need to be fix.
You can fall apart in many different areas in life. To fall apart does not mean only one thing or area it can mean a whole lot of things.
When you fall apart be careful and try to hang on or grab on to something. This will help you not to fall off all the way. You can fix a small fall when you catch yourself. Or ask for help when need it.
Breaking into pieces can be difficult to handle. If you have someone to lean on then it can be a bit easier. The opinion of others can be beneficial to you, if you're willing to hear them out. It may even piece some of the broken pieces back together.
Figuring out why things fall apart, can become a challenge. But sometimes one has to go this way, to prevent future break-downs. It can be time consuming when trying to figure out breakdowns, but sometimes we may have to spend years on the reason why we fall. That's life, it is figuring out yourself, and become a survivor.
If you fall apart, so sudden, you may have to become serious. And figure out ways to handle your problem. If you do not find ways to get better. Then it may be your own fault at making matters worst. It's best to clear your mind of worrys, problems, and etc. By making things better.
When you fall apart you may have to figure out ways to get back on your feet. To not stay broken you may conjure up strength to hold yourself back toghether. Everything take time and getting up may help you be a brighter person. Doing nothing; nothing will happen, so be sure to not end up in the end road.
Most people can fall apart and not even notice. Yes, there will be signs, but if you're not quick enough you will not catch it. Sometimes you may only have one chance to catch yourself before you reach the point of totally oblivion.
Falling apart can be ugly if your friends are unable to help you. Your relationship with old friends may be at stake. So your friend don't help you, they may not actually be a good friend. So there is not need to stay friends with those who are unfriendly and treat you like shit. Especially close friends who treat you like shit. They were never your friends in the first place. I myself ometimes fall apart from time to time. But somehow someway I find myself making correct decisions to bounce back to a clear or normal state of mind. This time I fall apart and it took me from August 2009 till July 01 of 2010 to finally recover. I am still not one hundred percent back to being truly myself. But 85% to the good is really good to me. I just hope that I do not fall apart like this any time soon or any more.
I rather do things that is helpful to my mind and focus on what life have to offer. And all I have to do is look in front of me, it is righ there. A chance to go home, and have some peace of mind. Being mentally ill and in prison can really be awkward. And I want to make it to the street with a good state of mind. And I am very tired of puting myself down for all the mistakes I made in this life, it just eats me up.
When you fall apart and hit the point of no return. then it may be all bad. Which means you may have fallen and can not ever make it back. You must figure things out before you fall too far. This way you will have a chance to continue in the game of life.
Chapter Two
CONFUSE
Are you confuse about your life? Well I can be confuse from time to time. But I only know it's up to me to get out of this confusing state of mind.
If you're not confuse maybe you do have a purpose in life. Then you should continue your journey in life. Until the day you become confuse you too may need help or maybe you may be able to help yourself. Everyone need directions to life, in order to live a good life with a purpose, instead of no purpose.
The more you become confuse the darker your road may become. When there's light there's a way and when there's a way there's hope.
When you're confused you need to untangle yourself. When you're not tangled all up, then you can move forward and continue the journey of life.
When people get confuse they tend to do stupid things. When they not confuse they will not do these things. Sometimes they need rest to actually think better.
When ever you become confuse, it's like you're in the middle of nowhere without a destination. It's kinda like you're in a desert without water.
It is good to be around good people who may be able to help you when you are confused. It is better to get some kind of help then none. Be very thankful for any type of help.
Getting confuse can become a headache, which feels as if you're going in circles with no end. In order to get out of the circle, you must be able to step out. And see the matter of being confuse can do to you. Which means see the problem before it arise.
Don't be confuse, open your mind and see the endless opportunity. When there's opportunity there is much hope. And opportunity comes in many direction when your mind becomes open.
Don't block out all the help you may get while you're confused. Use whatever help that may be good to you and need not use what help may not benefit you.
Open and relax your mind to the endless possibilities which may arise from time to time. Instead of drowning yourself in confusion.
If you're experiencing lot of confusion, you may have syptoms of mental illness. And you may need to seek help from a doctor.
Being confused, it's good to be around familiar faces. That way you will get help when the people you're with see that you may need help.
Whenever you become confuse, "Be Real" and open some of your confusion. So people can are able to help your confusion. They may be able to help you FASTER if you open your mind.
In order to think right, one has to think positive and act right. Instead of negative talk, negative talk can confuse one's mind into negativaty and confuse other peoples think. The way you act is the way you think.
Chapter Three
DIRECTION
Finding a good pathway in life may become difficult. That's if you have high expectation and well educated. The more educated you become, the more you expect from yourself.
If one pathway doesn't work, it's wise to have more then one road to go. This way you won't endup in a dead end if one pathway is closed. Always have a backup road and plans and instruction to follow.
Life becomes difficult when you have nothing to look forward for. No place to fit in the many roads of life, can leave you empty. That's way you find or figure out they many reason that life have to offer and good expectation to move forward in reaching lifes goals.
In life people say they made it through the yellow brick road. How so lucky they are, from my own experience I always thought there was no such road as the yellow brick road. In my roads of life there is no such thing as a yellow brick road. Most of my life is but hardaches and pain.
How do certain people are so lucky, I'm not hating on them. But some of the wealthy people were born from a wealthy family. Which got them the best things that life can offer. Their educations is automaticually paid off. If they do not take the wrong roads like going to prison and doing crime. Their life is set and definatly a good life is before them.
But sometimes there's too much on one person plate. Which then they take life for granted. Until they realize that they should have not taken life for granted. Then it may or is too late to change the hands of time.
Keep running towards fire then you will get burn with fire. Do not run in the direction which will burn you alive. Why do you think kids will stop if the heat is getting them hot. So turn around or find a different road way.
Don't get trick by what little benefit one roadway may offer. Stay focus and benefit from many roadways. Nobody ever said that take only one roadway. An educated person will work hard and find many entrances to many road ways. Because their mind is open and willing to do things differENTLY.
If someones block your pathway, keep moving and keep on finding different pathway. Your direction may become blury if your not too sure, so get out of the foggy air and see more clearly. And your direction may become more visible.
Be direct when you offer advice (direction) to a good friend. You don't want them to be confuse, so be direct. But be a friend and take them through the different steps.
If you're unable to give direction, then you should not. Because it's like the blind leading the blind. I give direction because I have always been traveling throughout so many roads. And life still have offer me many more roadways to travel. There are many good directions and many bad ones also.
It's always good when a friend gives you good advice (good direction). But we should not blame them for giving us bad direction. Because it's up to us to choose the best direction to go forward. And it's our own fault for choosing the incorrect pathways.
When life gets good, then a whole new world opens. And many pathways will open, good pathway and bad pathways. There will be many direction to choose from be careful of who's advice you take and use. One direction may be good for another and that direction may not be good for you. Be friendly so you will be unable to upset strangers or friends. Do not be too afraid or else you may get nowhere. It is always good to have someone who knows what their doing to guide you.
An instructor should know how to give proper directions. Or give or teach better ways of doing things. A bad instructor will have no good input or ways of directing your path, with no destination. Not all instructors are educated enough to give you multiple directions. Or they may lack the experience of being through lifes difficulties.
Sometimes something is too good to be true it usually is. So if the direction is too good, then maybe you should think twice or do some studying yourself. I am not in all saying that I am 100% correct that you won't get anything good out of it. It may be that one direction that you been looking for from your entire life. It may be that one big break. But I have learn not to jump in things all the way, because you may be really disappointed when your hopes are too high. If it's not the correct direction, pick up your feet and forward you move.
Those who know the direction, know how to get from point a to point b. Which it is wise to get advice from those who have the correct direction. A fool will get advice from a person that have not been there or will misguide you. Be sharpe and aware of a person talk or speech. They are the ones you will decide know the correct direction or not. So judge rightfully and you may end up with one who give good direction or correct direction. You are a fool if you get direction from a person who doesn't know the way.
Chapter Four
Adice About Falling Apart
When you fall apart, be sure you know you are falling apart. That way you will be able to take action, when you fall. And you may or will have a better chance at recovering. No body wants to fall apart and not be able to pick up your own feet again.
When you are falling, it is good to have those who care about you, who will be there for. Helping you pick up your feet again, giving you encouragement. And or willing to tend or give you the help you need. It is good to have good people around. Because good people will be cheering for you to get well. In life it is difficult to have people around who are willing to be there for you in good times and in bad times. People tend to be good to you when you are going good, meaning financially and fled away when you're broke.
When you all apart, it is wise to ask for help. And be around good people who may be able to help you. Get help before things get worst. It is unwise to fall apart alone. You may do something you may regret for the rest of your life.
How do you know when you fall apart? Trust me there will be signs like throwing all your things away. Or giving all your things away. Maybe you just lost it and decide to forget your prorities. Or maybe you just don't show up to a job that you love to there. Or you just lost your sense of humor.
When you fall apart, don't go out doors too much because you may act up in public and do things you normally won't do. Have someone help you out with shopping. Stay indoors until you get the help that is needed to take control of your life again. It's ok to fall apart but be ready, it is the best way to have a smooth recovery. Have an emergency number or numbers to call for in case of much needed help.
Have medical supplies around just in case you really did something stupid. Then you must seek a doctor's help if you use medical supplies. When you fall apart it can be for all sorts of reason. So be prepare for the worst. Hopefully you will find the needed help before you act up and do something stupid.
Falling apart is never good, but if you do. At least be wise and stay out of other people's way so you won't bump into them. It is best to seek help before you make contact or bump into people. It is not good to bump into people when you don't even understand what you are going. Be good and seek the necessary help that is needed. Make phone calls when you feel ill. Be sure to have emergency phone numbers posted somewhere in plain sight around the house. Be sure that someone can drive you to the doctor if you needed to see a doctor. Don't be ignorant and close minded. If you have a problem, their are people who may be able to fix you.
CHAPTER FIVE
BREAK THROUGH
When you have figure out the ways to get the help you need.It's a break through in the correct direction towards recovery. It's a break through when you learn how to help yourself when you need the help most. When you find your comfort zone,you can recover if you fall. So find position ways to deal with your problems. It's ok if you don't recover right away. Sometimes it just takes time to recover. Break through happens all the time, to all sorts of people. It happens so be prepare when good things happens to you. Or you may benefit from a fast recovery. Don't be so narrow minded in this way you may ensure yourself a good recovery when you recover.Get a hold of yourself, when you wake up and figure out that your ok and not falling apart which means you finally made a major breakthough and found out you are ok. And that it is a good day to be alive. And you can chase the dream which you do have in life instead of worrying about being I'll. Open your mind up and figure out that there are alot of ways to accomplish things. There are all sorts of things to do and just waiting for you to make a breakthrough. So be prepare if something going to happen to you. Life is not always about suffering, but if you have suffered so much then you should or you may be destined for a break. Everyone deserves a break instead of hardache and pain throughout their life.
When your own life is good, and you see other people lives are bad-maybe one person can benefit from your help. You should help that person to recover and gain their strength back. For them to have a chance toward a normal life. They may be in need of a breakthrough that you may be able to give them. Everyone needs a break from time to time. People do need helping hands when their own hands fail to help their own needs. People become stronger when we help each other move forward in the correct direction. When we get help we tend to help those who are less fortunate then ourselves.
When you catch your big break, be sure to remember those who are less fortunate then you. They may need a helping hand to get them out of sickness. Sickness comes from all sorts of form. Being ill does not feel good, it's much better to live healthy and feel good then to own many ships. Your health belongs to you so take care of it.
Making a breakthrough sometimes takes time. Some people just don't have the time and patience.
When you have a breakthrough, don't think or assum that you done something out of the ordinary. Because it just may be that you accomplish something small. People tend to think something of really nothing. So don't be disappointed at accomplishing something that is not really big.
Anyone can make a breakthrough, depending on how much they really want it. Some people take extreme measure to see that things get done. Sometimes they rush into things and get things done wrong or incorrect. Which is why fools rush into things.
Chapter Six
HEALING TIME
When you fall apart so much, you got to let time heal you. Or else you may heal improperly. It's better to heal good than bad.
Sometime people will give you time to heal, but ***holes will always be in your face. Some good people will be there for you when you're not healing good. Be prepare if you're healing really slow. Healing slow will give you time to think and appreciate the many things in life. It's good to have time to yourself. It's also good to share your time with others.
When you are healing you must do things that are beneficial to your health. You won't heal over night, it takes time to heal. And sometimes it could be a very slow process. It could take weeks or maybe even months or years.
It is always good to be heal, because you will feel better or great. But take your time and you will definitely feel good. Don't think that you won't heal, because what you think can actually affect your own health. So think positive then positive results will happen.
When you're mentally ill, it can be more difficult to heal. So it can be helpful if he or she is around good people who can help them. Mentally ill person should not be treated like outcast. They are still people, some mentally ill people may not heal for their entire lifetime. But if they can't be heal at least they are around good good people who can care for them. So don't give up hopes for your love ones. They are the ones who may need a bit extra love.
People are usually judged and used when they have mental symptoms. Because people can take advantage of the weak. If you're not healing good stay away from people who can use you mentally.
If your mind is playing tricks on you, take time off so you can heal. If that doesn't work, maybe you need to see a doctor or certain medications are giving you side effect. Be sure you're not on medication that have protential in ruining your daily lifestyle. Change your medications if certain medication is giving you major side effects, or the meds. is simply not working.
If it takes you a year to fully recover, hopefully you're around good people. Because healing in a year can be a long time.
Sometimes knowing about your own body can help you heal even faster. You may also need to know what you put into your own body. If you put something harmful it might make you heal slower. So be sure or careful what you put into your body, it can help you or it can harm you.
If the doctor gives you the wrong medication, it can do you more harm then. If this does happen discontinue the medication, or ask for a lower dostage. Some doctors tend to give you too much unnecessary prescriptions. So if a medication gives you side effects, get it fix.
When you are sleeping 15 to 20 hours each day, for over five months, you should know something is wrong with your health. I found out or figure out it was the medication. I am on KEYHEA, so it was difficult for me to get off the medication. I had to work with the doctor to fix what medication I was on. But slowly I got it fix. And still trying to fix it. I sleep less now around 12 hours to 10 hours a day. It took at least nine months to get this done. Medication is good and bad for a person. If I don't have to take medication I wouldn't. Because all medication have some sort of side effects. It is difficult to find a good medication for a person.
If you're in need of healing time, you may lose yourself in sickness. And it can be difficult for you to even work or do normal things in life. The best place to be sick is around people who can help and care for you. It can be a headache when doctors keep on changing your medications. If you're around people who doesn't care for you, then you may have a long shot at getting heal. If the people who you are around is not helping your illness or helping you get better, then I think it's time to get somewhere that people will help and car for you.
Things can get a bit distracting when your mind isn't all toghether. So be prepare anything can happen, so always heope for the best but expect the worst.
It is nice when you're healing and have someone checking out how you're doing, just talking about getting better is good.
When you're in top condition or top health, you will definatly feel good and you will be ready to take care of so many other problems which will not be possible if your health is bad. Good health can open lot of windows and doors and give you a whole lot of opportunity. So it is always good to be in top health, no matter what. But unfortunately when hard time strikes your health can become bad. Because you may be too sad to even take care of yourself. Or if a love one past away your sorrows may take over your health. Be sure you recover from your sorrows in order for you to get better you must have someone who you can talk to and cope with. Sorrows & grief can linger for along time.
When you're 90% through 100% then you're basically healed. So you can now do basic work around the house. You will be able to do more because now you are in top shape to do these choirs. Then just maybe you can do other activities instead of laying in bed all day long.
It's kind of easy getting depress; especially being around a place that there isn't much to do. So get up and get outside. The world is waiting for your recovery.
There's just so much things you can do, but it mostly depends on your health. If you have bad health you won't be able to go anywhere, because you would need the time to heal.
Basically you do stupid things to your health. Other bad factors will follow with you. So if you mentally do wried or way out things you may have to see a doctor. And it is not a guarantee it's the best thing. So you may be asking for more then you bargain for. So if you do not have a mental illness, I advise you to never do anything to get you mentally ill. But sometimes it is genetics, which runs in your blood. And all you can do is hope for the best by those who help you. And hoping for healings and time.
Completed July 27, 2010 3:14pm pacific time
ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This work is dedicated to the Most High Providence.
The strength of a man is in the hand of the Supreme Judge.
The will of one man is just an sacrificing offering to his Creator.
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PUSHING FORWARD
Short Writing By: Vuong Van Nguyen
Copy Right 2010
SPECIAL THANKS
I want to thank my family for their love and support.
I am also thanking all those who are spending
their time on reading this writing.
TABLE OF CONTENTS Page
Chapter One ----------Looking Back -------------------------------------------------------> 1
Chapter Two ---------Middle Ground ----------------------------------------------------> 28
Chapter Three -----Moving Ahead ------------------------------------------------------> 40
Chapter 1 Looking Back
I been looking backwards most of my life, and I need to look forward more often. It's difficult to move forward when you have so much baggage in the past. I look backwards often because there are just so many memories.
I look forward because I do not like to face the past. But sooner or later I will eventually end up with the past catching up with me. I may have to look in the past in order to look forward.
When I look in the past there are just so many memories which need to be delt with. And it does not mean it can be figure out right away. All in time I must find ways to move forward.
There are times I would like to give up looking forward, because the past just keeps on poping up. And there just have to be something better then what I am experiencing now. Unfortunately everything just usually catch up with you. Good things and bad things will pop up no matter how often you would like it not to.
No matter how badly I would like to look forward. It just seems I am always looking back in the past. I guess the past can teach us a lot about ourselves. It's possible to learn a lot about our past, but it can also cause confusing facts about our past and present.
When I was a teenager I often do things without thinking twice. When ever I wanted to do something I just did it. Often it was the wrong thing I choose to do.
I been to juvenile hall over twenty times, often for small crimes. Which they often let me go when my parents and brother picked me up from juvenile hall. I was lucky to have caring parents which was kind to get me home. Sometimes it got really confusing while growing up in California, when you grow up with friends who often get into trouble. When I get into trouble when I was around 13 years old. I often am afraid to face my parents. Because I didn't want them to think that I was a bad person. The first time I got arrested and sent to juvenile hall, I had to call my parents up, to pick me up and they were kind enough to get me out of juvenile hall. Juvenile hall wasn't that much of a difficult place, but it stressed me out because I did not really knew the people or other juvenile there. There wasn't many Asians lock up in Sacramento juvenile hall. The longest I stayed in juvenile hall was around two to three months. It became stressful because I had a very small understanding about that place. Once I comprehinded where and why things work the way it did, the rest of my teenage years in juvenile went by fast. This is before I turn 18teen.
The way I grew up in my teens, I knew I was going to end up dead or get sentence into prison. And I was right, I ended up in prison for 26 years. I did not understand that I could aviod prison time because I didn't look back. I just went forward, but now a days I realized if I just thought a little more, I may have avioded prison. When I grow up most of the things I learn, I had to experience it on my own. Once I got half a year sentence to the Boys Ranch I finally understood that I do not have to spend the rest of my life in prison if I just would have thought a little more. But I guess I wasn't mature much and kind up mess up. But I did not throw my entire life away. But I throw a big portion of my life.
In order for me to move forward, I needed to find a way to change my behavior. But it wasn't easy, so I decided when I was eighteen to stop myself from doing anything stupid. But I ended up in the county jail for a charge .... attempted murder. Which eventually change my entire life. One big mistake can and will affect a person life. But now it is kind of late to do things differently. So I had to do my time in prison. It's difficult to move forward in prison. But it can be done. It's difficult or it can be difficult to change the way one acts. It's not hopeless, I just need time and a lot of understanding. I basically all these years trying or doing thing that is not against the law. Basically finding ways or learning and making changes to aviod mistakes that can ruin what little life there is left.
When I grew up around 1990 thru 1996, yes it was difficult to find the right kind of guidance. There were guidance but I did not truly get the full understanding until I was in prison. Now I get the hint that it is defernately better to hang around people who doesn't use drugs or break the law. I had no role models when I grow up. So it took me years to figure out my own meaning of life. When I was a teen, living this kind of life style I had envision my life would end in my teenage year. Friends who was around my age died or die so often that I got so sad that I couldn't even shead any more tears. Maybe because I was around death so often.
I grew up going to five different high schools. And going to this many high schools, I had to get used to these different environments. Some schools I didn't do well because of getting expel or kick out of that school. I did well in Texas when I went to Thomas Jefferson High School. But finally I got my G.E.D. when I was eighteen at the Sacramento Boys Ranch. I have not recieve my Diploma but if I get around 30 credits I can get my Diploma. I already took all the high school equvilacy test.
Somehow I ended up going to college for nine months. All I needed was nine more months to receive my AA in Accounting if I finish the last nine months. Unfortunately I got arrested for this crime that is why I couldn't move forward with my Accounting Degree.
Somehow along down the line I ended up getting more education. Around 2001 and 2002 I went to a vocational trade and got my Diploma in Computer Class. I receive lot of units and completed the entire cirriculum and dress up and receive graduation paper work. At least I had accomplish something while I was in prison. It was nothing too special to talk about. But it was a step in moving forward. I like the computer class but it brought back memories that been hidden for years before I was in prison. The computer class living up my mood and it was a positive moment that give me hope that if I was release out of prison, that there is a chance that I can make it in the streets.
Before I got lock-up as an adult, there must of been signs to show me that this was a bad path I was headed for. Unfortunatly I wasn't wise enough to catch all the sign.
When I look back into the past now, at age 32, I can see so many ways to not get into trouble. I ask myself somehow I could have been so blind. I was just so blind to see things for what they really were. I could have enough sense to ssee where things was headed. How is it so possible that I did not take the correct direction to stay out of trouble. How stupid it feels at age 32, to look back 13 or 14 years in prison to finally realize I had the chance or could of prevent what I did to come into prison. The past sucks. When you realize that things could be prevented and there was just no reason for the things that happen.
From the age of 13 thru 17 teen, I did not receive good grades at school often. I had straight f's in 7th grade, but somehow I had to learn how to get better grades. So I achieve my GED, then apply for college. And somehow I learn how to move forward, and get good grades. Was a 4.0 student at Heald Business College. Some kind of computer business school. All the people I meet were really kind and business oriented people. Every one had to dress up for school every day professionally. And everyone I meet had good manners.
Somehow I moved forward in college, or I thought I did. Until January 15th of 1997, I got arrested for attempted murder. So now my life stop from moving forward and then it seems I have been looking BACKWARDS FOR OVER ONE DECADE.I ALSO LOOK FORWARD FOR OVER A DECADE, SO BASICALLY I WAS LOOKING FORWARD AND BACKWARDS IN PRISON.
Once I was arrested I lost so much hope of ever getting out again. Now it feels like there was no point of living. And my sky blue days turn dark and gray. Things just started not to make any sense no more. Now I had to find a reason to live and to move forward. Now I also understand tha tI didn't need to use drug anymore, so my mind was starting to get better, and my health also got better.
Sometimes certain individual rather see me behind, like they would rather have me stop or not progressing. Or sometimes they would rather have me following in their footsteps. But I have learn in prison that life is a very difficult place. And it's up to that person seeing the world in a new light. There are many ways of seeing the world, it's up to what mood you're in. Which is good to have different moods, so you will be able to experience different feelings. But it is not wise to always be in a sad mood, which can make your days or many days sad and gloomy. I guess it's good to be in a happy mood, but then there are certain people who does not want you to be happy. So they want you to have a shitty mood like them.
Today June 8, 2010 it seems as though I am not feeling so good. Man, life just have too many rollercoasters. Felt like I am outta place and finding my place is difficult to handle. So I spent most of the day sleeping, I guess I am a bit depress. I brought two ounces of coffee for three dollars which I shared with a few friends that live in the same dorm as I did. This pick us up a little and made the day a bit better. It's difficult to find people with coffee in this wing or unit. I guess I am glad this day is about to be over. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. All I can do is push forward.
In 1998 I was convicted of attempted murder 2nd degree, and got sentence for 26 years. Once I got back from sentencing day, I decided to drink one bottle of ibprofin and a few boxes of cold tablets. I just didn't feel like living anymore. But somehow I did not die and I throw up all the medicine. It was a very difficult time for me to move forward. I stress so much that I continue to stress for 7 to 10 years. It was a very difficult time in my life. Things were very hard and adjusting to new prisons was difficult for me. Life in prison is not simple as people may think so.
Sometimes people don't get the hint, that they should move on and not hold me back. Just because I am really a none complaining person. Why do they wish to do things to me that I do not like? I tell them not to f*** with me and stop standing in my way. But they continue to do stupid things to me. And eventually I may blow up. And do things which I do not like, but sometimes I may need to do things that is aweful to let them get the hint. Or else fight and get things delt with. I do not wish for problems. But I do not wish to be held back for no good reason. I guess that is what I get for being too kind to peopole and open doors for them. Life is just f****-up sometimes. Because people will and can take your kindness for weakness. Plus I am very tired of getting into trouble because trouble is not on my mind, that is kids stuff. And now I'm an adult and acting like a kid is not for me. I been through a lot of shit. And I know I can blow up if this shit does not stop. It's hard to keep yourself from blowing up. I let little things go, but if it kept on doing the same shit, it gets on my nerves and I can explode and do something real stupid. I just do not understand why a person keeps putting their face all up in my face for a lot of time. Get your f***** face out of my face. Sometimes I can do really stupid shit. Why bother me when you know I don't like that shit. I express how I feel and you continue to do this stupid shit. Eventually I will explode if this shit does not stop. But somehow I need to say what I need to say. But I had already told him what I feel. I just don't like that shit. People always think they know you. And then they become ***holes. No wonder why I stay away from lot of people. These people can be selfish, meaning only think about their own happiness, and not about the happiness of others. Plus I am in DMH, I am trying to recover from my mental illness. Slowly it's working but certain individuals always find ways to get me frustrated. This is what this ***hole did, poked me in the face while I am sleeping. Grabbed my sheets and threw carrots on me while I am resting. I let it go, I told him this shit was not cool. Some people do not get the hit that I am arrested for attempted murder, leave me a lone. Do not you value your life and understand I am valuing my life, because I want to do good and get out of prison. Because I don't like to be in prison. How selfish can people get, just because you think your way is the right way. Does not mean that you should walk all over another person. And you only have three years left, I advise you to do your time and just go home. Unless you are tempting people to do sometime to you. Do not think that you are strong or powerful. Just because you're not a lifer it doesn't mean you should inflict damage to another person, I guess I am just piss off and needed to blow some steam off. The more kind I get, the more I I get used.
In order to continue to push forward, I need to put my anger in check, even if I don't wish. I know there is always a solution that is good, instead of a bad solution. Why must I always try to satisfy or make sure that I don't harm people, I usually just satisfy other peoples need, more then my own. I need to learn or understand how to satisfy my own needs also. Life is a learning lesson, so the more I understand about myself as an individual I can find way to satisfy my own needs. It seem no matter what I will be around good people and bad people. I must understand how to deal with this. I need to learn how to stay away from people who wishes me harm. Maybe if I stayed away from them, I may get less hasrm. I would like or prefer to stay in the company of good people. No matter what there will be all kinds of people everywhere.
It's difficult to push forward, when a person has some sort of a mental illness. I been having some sort of mental illness, for or around five years now. I guess my body and mind aren't working so good.
I wonder how I am going to manage these few years I have. Five or six years I have left. I understand I am not fully healed. I just wonder am I going to have this many health problems. Or I am going to have major problems in the future. I guess it's a little relief to write down things that is holding me back.
I still have hope that I can still have a good life when I get out of prison. All these years and places that I been traveling to different prison, that it seems that prison life have affected me so much. I just wonder when can I get a break, hopefully I get out that will be a break for me. Am I really asking so much, that in hopes of one day I will be realease.
It's simple to move forward, when you don't have hundred of friends. Because most of the friends I have at California Men's Colony they are about 80% going home within a year. Most people come and go, the few that stay they know me well. So when I go back to cmc, on d-quad I will have 15% of the people or friends who are still there. I also understand people come and go no matter where you're at. But first I have to find a way to fix myself, to become a more functional person. I need to get my head fix. I have been thinking more then ever, but the problem is my thoughts and mind are not working justly. Now I have met so many different people, and most people act like they have mental problem and I am one of those people.
It's difficult to move forward, when your own mind isn't functioning correctly. Right now I am or am at the right of mind a bit alright. But sooner or later I have to or hopefully I will be able to gather all the energy to continue pushing forward.
In hopes of a better tomorrow just hope that my own mind will tell my body to wake up and function in a better mood. Waking up to a bad mood or just one bad or many bad morning can make me very depressed. I don't know what it is with my problem but hopefully I will find a way to cope with these mental problems.
This year I have so many mental problem that have hold me back from the main line. Fortunately my mind got a bit better. Holpefully this next four months I will be recovered and able to make or do a good program.
All these medication the mta and doc are giving me, I do not truly understand if its helping me or not. My mind in August or September in 2009 got very confused when I was on abilify. But I was doing good, then suddenly I hit rock bottom again. And somehow my mind got fixed in January 2010. I guess or think the medication that I am on now is helping. But my health doesn't seem to be at its fullest function. When I have coffee I function real better. At lease I do all I can, and will continue to do all I can. but drinking too much coffee will hold me backwards. Because I am abusing the coffee, so I cut back as much as I can. This unit a3 doesn't let us buy coffee, but there is always a way to purchase coffee, if an inmate really wanted some.
It seems like I have been moving backwards so often that I need to conclude and find ways to move forward. Or else I just need to confront my pass and leave it to rest and move forward. It just that I have so lmany problems and if life can just somehow trurn to the good, then I will be able to move in the correct direction. But for now I need to stress less and mentally be at peace with this mental illness. Its have to have a way in getting better. Life isn't all gravy and sunshine around the corner. Life can become a bit too much to handle. If ones continue to lay layers of self inner person. So wake up and deal with problems that you can handle. And stop creating thousands of new problems. Which you will not be able to handle. It's good to expect a lot of yourself, but truthfully you are making more problems for yourself. And it can become a real big problem if you continue on this road.
A THOUSAND THANKS IS NOT ENOUGH
This edition is for and in the greatest honor to my Dad.
Dad was absolutely a righteous man. From the first time I had
knowledge of the world to the last time Dad passed away, he
was a magnificent man. All the works that Dad put his hands
into, he prospered. Hardwork, humility, kindness, love and
justice are his charcteristics. I continuely thank you Dad and
pray that I may be half a decent person as you were.
I am not saying to myself that I should give up hope or dreams. I am saying don't pick up too many problems. Or else you may end up overloading or polluting your mind. And fixing your own mind can be a real challenge. It seems just so unreal that I lost my mind recently on August 2009-thru January 2010. But I still have bits and pockets of problems. Finding the problem areas are or can become tricky and a headache when you find them.
Lately I tried to move forward, but new problems arise. This life is or becomes very unwelcoming. Sometimes it just feel like I should give up or call it quits. But some how I find little pockets of energy to move forward.
When I look back at my teenage years, how come I did not get the hint in high school that (to be continue top of page 27)
Manna: My Spirit shall not always strives with man, for that he is of only flesh, yet his days shall be a hundred and twenty years.
Praise
Glory to God
Glory to Thy Holy Name
For Thou has spared my life
For Thou has mercy and pity me
For Thou has protected me
For Thou has shielded me
For Thou has comforted me
For Thou has embraced me
For Thou has loved me before day
one to forevermore.
Glory to God
Glory to Thy Holy Name
.
Copyrights: For permission to copy, buy, sell, for education pursoses, reprint, the stories, writings, books, etcs, you can deal directly with
the author in writing to:
Vuong Van Nguyen K-86302
A-340 CMF
P.O. Box 2000
Vacaville, CA 94565-2000
Readers' discretions are advised. <------------------------------
CHAPTERS
1 I HIT ROCK BOTTOM ONCE AGAIN
2 BACK ON TRACK
3 WILL POWER
4 LIFE JUST BEGUN
5 IT'S NOT HOPELESS TO RECOVER FROM A STATE OF MENTAL ILLNESS
6 A DEEPER MEANING TO LIFE
7 MAKING GOOD LIFE DECISIONS
8 LIVE LIFE LONGER STAY HEALTHY
9 BIG IMPACT
10 LIVE ONCE; DO THINGS RIGHT
11 PROBLEMS IN LIFE
12 LEARNING TO LIVE
SPECIAL SPECIAL THANKS
I would like to thank my family.
I would like to thank all those who have read this
and hopefully it will be a benefit to you.
I thank C.G. for reminding me to continue writing.
Chapter One
I HIT ROCK BOTTOM ONCE AGAIN
In August of 2009, my state of being was very bad. My entire being was disaster. Meaning my mind collapse all on it's own. I did not trust any person in prison. Because I was so down, that I took life in a total different way. Life was heading down hill for around five and a half months. I did not understand what was wrong with me. It could of been the street drugs I used while I was a teenager. But how can it affect me 12 years latter.
Now I am very worry that I may hit rock bottom once again. I back track so many thoughts in my mind to analyze and to figure what was wrong with me.
It could of been so many reasons why my mind was actually thinking this way. It can happen any time. But getting back up on my feet, was lucky, meaning I was so lucky that my mind started to correctly think Think normal once again. Just so much luck. I guess lady luck did not want me to fail. O I guess I got another chance at life.
My mental state of mind was very delusional. I could not analyze what was reality or what wasn't my thinking was upside down.
I walk around the yard at California Mens Colony State Prison feeling down and lost. I could not figure what was wrong with me. But now I am awake, I now on March 25, 2010 understand that mental illness can create a very terrible state of mind.
It felt like I did not fit anywhere. Every where I wnt I felt sad and alone. My friends on the yard talk to me but I was so confuse that I isolated myself. And I did my best to distance myself from everyone strangers and none strangers.
The hard part was waking up and live life once again. The odd things I did or thought about was..........
...1) stayed away from people
2) doctors ask question, but I did not speak back.
3) thought that this was the end of my life
4) and the medications the doctors give me did not work, it made my hands stand still. But now they put me on correct or medication that doesn't affect or side effect me as much.
5) Throwing away my property, and somehow my prescription eye glasses got broken. And till this day I have no eye ware.
6) I even made my arm bleed, I wanted to see some blood. But it was confusing.
7) Throw all my property away. And once I came to Vacaville, I had no property.
CMC [California Mens Colony] decided to send me to Vacaville Department of Mental Health.
Once I arrive to Vacaville my mind was still in a state of unhealthy thinking.
Thinking was How did I get myself to become so down? And feeling so depress that I avoided people and to program.
And why did I not talk to doctors sooner to figure out the problem? The problem that I finally figure out was my brain was over thinking and did not separate facts from fiction, meaning what was real and what was not.
When they ask me to go to groups at Vacaville in Octobler through January, I did not go or program. Because I was in my own world. Somehow I finally step out from this state of isolation. But it took a lot of work. Putting me on the correct medication and being around good people help me out a lot.
When I was in this mental state of depression, I saw life in a whole new prospective and I now value life much more. I saw that every single person life was vaulable. And no ones life should be devalue.
We all live on this one blue or green rock called PLANET EARTH. And if we don't wake up and live life the best way we can. I am afraid to say that the person who fail to live life to it's fullest will be wasted a good life.
But sometimes it's very differcult to live life to it's fullest when one has a breakdown. Meaning that person's thinking or mind has become so disoriented that it is mentally affected and backward thinking. Life is much better when my mind becomes normal. Meaning I finally am thinking normal once again. It feels good to be who I am.
Chapter Two
BACK ON TRACK
Once I figure out or my mind decide what was reality and what was not. Then I'll be back on track. Somewhere in October through January my mind was so over loaded with information. It was very differcult for me to separate what was real and what was not.
Somewhere in mid January 2010, I finally woke up and live life once again. But it took effort to wake up and get out of bed. And getting medication that did not put me to sleep so much. Now the doctor finally put me on medication that I think is helping me not to become sleepy.
I am also on medication that will not make me so depress. I am court order to take medication. I just hope in the future that the meds., I am taking now will not have side effects that will put me in an unstable mood.
Somehow I got myself to pick up a pen and started to draw pictures once again. At first it was differcult, but then my mind started to come back to reality. And it's like riding a back, you always remember. Then somehow I started to remember so many things that I went through in life...All the good times along with all the bad times. Life will never be the same again.
Now I know that at any time I may experience a mental breakdown. But I am doing everything possible not to have this breakdown. Getting out of this breakdown wasn't simple, but I manage it. I understand that it's good to go to groups that helps a person to gain the skills not to step into this depressive mood.
I went to a group called Mind Over Mood. For many days eack week. And this group help me to figure out my thinking or thoughts, mood, behavior, or physical reaction. Now I use these helpful key words to improve my thing of situations in life.
Beside that, I get a chance to talk to those who runs the group. And to particapate in assignment that can help me become better.
My thinking was still kind of negative thinking but I am doing things that will help me think correctly. I AM FIGHTING EVERY SINGLE DAY MENTALLY, IN ORDER NOT TO THINK SO NEGATIVELY. My mind thinks of all kinds of things. Positive and negative things. It sometimes I feel like I am at a constance battle within my mind. And it is so dame difficult to think correctly.
Truthfully I do not know how other people think. But I have a feeling that people have negative and positive thoughts. And their enviornment shapes who they are.
In March 2010 I was capable or had the opportunity to go to canteen. And I purchase hygienes and some stuff to spoil me a little, and it sure feels good to have the supplies to brush my teeth and things to keep me clean. And ask my brothers for the coffee sure help me out a whole lot. Because the coffee sure helps me stay awake. But I also learn that I need at least nine or eight hour of sleep each day!
The doctor also said I need to do a number 2 everyday. I used to make a number 2 every three days. It was not good, now I learn something new. I am learning how to live a bit healthier.
The things I will learn here at DMH [Department of Mental Health] will surely help me out in the future.
I am understanding to not keep silence when I have mental problems or health issues. I am being more open minded. This place is like a place to give me a chance to have a time out from prison life. Meaning a different program may help my mental behavior.
I have open myself and my mind is open to ideas that can be of help. I must figure out all the tools that will help me think correctly. But it is so very difficult, that I am constancely in a battle within my own self.
Every day it seems like I am always in a battle with my thoughts. Lot of thoughts I keep to myself. Because it's not good to share all your thoughts. I fight in my mind to think of good thoughts. I keep on pushing the negative thoughts away, but its keep on coming back.
I must learn or teach myself the tools to not be so negative. Negative is becoming such a big problem, I must put my negative thoughts in check. I am constancely figuring out ways to get out of negative thoughts. Drawing helps me out a lot. That it is productive and it helps me feel at ease.
Now I am back to writing, it seem like I am getting better. I am not cure but I am learning to understand my own capabilities.
I am also learning to understand my emotion and not let it affect my moods. When my moods are bad, my thoughts become bad. When my mood is bad, I do things different so my mood will change. Hopefully for the better. Or I think of good times to enforce a reality check. It will take a lot of work to get back on track. I have a mind and I am willing to use it to better myself.
Chapter Three
WILL POWER
I learn to understand my own limits and to go the extra mile. But now I also make sure I get some rest. Because my body will function better if I take care of it. When I don't bet rest my mind gets delusional and my thinking becomes unrealistic. That's when my body breaks down. Now I understand that I am not a machine. And I should not treat myself so terribly.
I look deep in my mind for inspiration. I think of family and I get to work. But sometimes I need to just push myself a bit to get moving. Because if I am not productive each day, that day will be wasted. And I do not wish to waste a single day. I understand the time frame of a single person's life. And life is short, it comes and goes. Sometimes mental stress plays a factor and breaks a person down. That's when one must apply all avenue to understand ones own mental state of mind. But sometimes it just doesn't work and a person can become mentally damage for years. Fortunately I was damaged for close to half a year. Somehow I luckily awoke from the mental state of mind. I guess I am a fighter and I did fight to carry on.
The will to live is at times weak, meaning the mind becomes so cloudy that it needs a tune up. And to clear all the negative thoughts will take lots of work. Just being around people who are caring and kind can clear a patients mind, for the better. But it may take many more months to heal a person's mind, not to say it won't happen again. One must figure out all the trigger that put that much stress on a person mind. Then learn all the tools that can help a person not to go through that road or state of mind or thinking. Avoiding blocks in the road way will be helpful.
Fortunately I am learning and understanding my own will power and figuring out ways to use it to benefit my life. The will to continue to move forward is strong. So many blocks in the road, but some how always I have found a solution to my own problems. I guess thinking about family do help ease tension in the mind.
In life I consider myself a lucky person. Even though I am in prison for 21 years. And my mental state is kind of shakey and not well.
Sometimes I feel like it's hopeless, but it seems always my will is strong and takes on its own life. That's when I push myself forward and continue this game of life. It seem so difficult many times, I just do not truly understand how I continue to see things through. I guess it's not time to give up. The fight is still on and I am willing to continue to fight. Because I am not a quitter. I fight every single day, at times it seems like a losing battle, but when I see it through the day, there may be a better day next morning. Which is why I am ready to fight each day that comes my way. In hopes of a better future for me and for my family.
One of these days things will be alright. Until then I must keep on doing every thing I am capable to ensure that I myself is not wasting the days. When I waste a day it will never come back to me. I am constancely busy. It's good to feel at ease a nd keeping busy helps me understand my own abilities. Which is why I understand that the only person that can destroy my will power is my own self. I am endanger of harming myself. Which is why I am learning or gaining the tools or knowledge to cope with my behavior, mood, thoughts, etc....To better my well being I must study and learn about my own self.
It is definately a mental battle each day that I am alive. It's just up to each individual on how each day is played out. If the person does nothing or learns nothing, then that day becomes wasted. And it's one less day of living and a person does not have too many days under the sun.
When I first got to Vacaville in DMH I was not even able to understand what I was doing. I didn't have the will power to move forward. Just somehow I do not understand that my own thoughts affected my behavior so much. Maybe I just needed some time to myself. To get away from the world a little bit. It is nice to understand and have control of my own will power.
I am willing to continue to fight each day with the pen. Since I left the swords or any other weapons behind.
It seems now that I am becoming a able person to make better decision. I am living a more productive life. I still love to paint, but unfortunately it is too expensive. Maybe when I get back on track and on my feet I can continue. But for now I need to learn how to continure to take care of my physcical self. It's not simple, but i have to do it.
The will power to get up in the morning, sometime start with something very small. Like looking forward to a nice cup of coffee can help a person to get out of bed.
The small things in life can and will open doors to other avenue. But people tend to lose sight of these blessings. I have learned not to take advantage or over see the little things in life. Because a person may for get that it is the little things on the way to success. That is helping a person to succeed each day. Day by day things will build up for the better or for the worst.
I learn alot to be more honest and open hearted. Because the people who we are around can benefit from our kindness, not to be used though. When I figure out I am getting used I tend to just say no. Then I back off from that person a bit. It's better to learn late then never. A person can also learn alot of new things from different people. Race seems to have no boundaries when it comes to knowledge.
At times I find myself to lose focus of what is important. Getting out of prison is important, but in the last few years it seems as though it lost it's important. I guess because I been in prison for 13 years that my entire thinking is or seems to be so focus on living in prison. I guess I feel so instutionalized.
But I come to terms that i must not do anything to jeoperdize my release date. Time sure moves fast, and I am not getting any younger. Time just ticks on and on, and everyone is just getting older and older.
When a person lose focus on life, they just need to look deep within themselves and push forward for the better things in life. It is good to look forward for the good things that life have to offer. But sometimes one has to work for the things that is offered.
I have learned that material things in life come and go, but knowledge tends to stay with a person for life. But it is definately good to have material stuff to make life a bit easier. Life can become difficult when a person doesn't has the necessities in life. But if you have a mind you can find your way and improve your living standard.
No one ever said life was simple, unless they have been so spoiled. That they lose sight of what lfie really is.
When a person is down and do not want to carry on, they must find the will power in them to carry on. The more a person feels down, they must find ways to cope with their moods.
Lots of people lose their will power and are at rock bottom. And life seems to become such a burden that they do not wish to carry on. And they find ways to self inflick pain. Some people just want to bleed or see blood. These people do have a mental illness. They need to learn lessons to get them out of that state of mind.
Chapter Four
LIFE JUST BEGUN
It seem as though life have just started once again. Taking little steps to ensure healthy living. Maintain a system that will help remind me of simple task which I must full fill each day. Start out slowly and once I am able to maintain this simple schedule I can add more to it. But this time I must not over do my own abilities.
When I say life just begun, it can mean different thing to different people. I lost everything. And with the ability to remember, or what is in my mind it comes back. Now I have materialistic things again. In order to help others you must be able to help yourself. Step by step I am making progress. And the task is to not have another mental breakdown. I am figuring out what triggers made me ill. It can be many factors. The enviornment, the people I am around. The food, also the medications. These all play a role into my mental state of mind.
I start life once again, but I do understand or am going to analyze the factors that put me in this odd behavior.
At this moment my life is not all so great, but I am satisfy with what I have. Meaning I am grateful to be alive.
There are so many roads one can choose to go in life. Some roads are good, but getting to a best suited road one can be great. Meaning the correct road I must take all signs points to this road.
To start from nothing again is very confusing to me, meaning without help; I can not or unable instancely to have the supplies I need. But I work with what I do have. I guess it starts somewhere. Once I pick up the pen, it's like magic, and takes a life on it's own. I just keep on drawing and writing once again. Sometimes it fills so frustating that I somehow find different avenue to relive my stress.
I turn to smoking when I am stressing too much. But now I quit smoking, I minus well not even pick up a smoke. In a way I do need to change, so I change from being a smoker to not being a smoker. Besides I can use the money in a more productive way. I can purchase supplies that can be a benefit to life.
It feels good finding yourself again and continue the Dream. I thought it was over with my state of mind and odd behavior. But luckily I found some ground and step back on the road. When falling, one just have to get back up on ones feet.
So many things have happened to me in life, that sometimes looking back and wondering how I am still alive. I guess I am fortunely a lucky person that is still alive. I know the wrong road only leaves a person to fail. And I am doing everything possible to not walk the wrong way. Believe me prison is not a place to be. There are so many better places to be then being incarcerated. There are so many things a person can do outside these walls. So many places to go, but a person must first have a good chuck of cash to travel. Doing things or looking to better ones life is also good. People who works hard to achieve a purpose usually tend to find a way to succeed.
Every time I create a piece of artwork it seems a little piece of me is imprinted in the creation.
Maybe death was knocking at my door steps. That awaken me to see life in a new view. Live once live to it's fullest. And learn not to be down or feeling sad all the time.
The tought part of life is deciding who to be around with. The people you are around with can be a benefit to you or they can take you down by choosing wrong decision. Being around people who breaks the law can get you arrest. To know a person behavior one has to discuss or exchange knowledge. Just by talking to people one can understand and see what kind of person he or she is. In order to do busines one needs to hook up a good communication line.
Most things in life while do business or just visiting someone or just simply meeting a group of people, a person must be able to communicate with the other person. When you do not communicate, it is difficult to even do business. But if you are smart you can see that a customer want to purchase the things in their hands.
It starts out talking to people and sooner or later you will find someone that is able to help you.
It also starts out by working toward a goal or a task, will get you a step closer to your goals. If you just sit around and do nothing, then nothing will happen. So I advise you to speak, write, draw, etc....To be able to communicate with others. If you do not have good communicating skills, I advice you to find a way to learn these skills. Almost everything we do, we communicate as people.
My own life seems to just begun once again. This time I am planning to do everything correctly. I can not afford to fail. That is why I also need to learn or study my own behavior and abilities. So I can apply the good and block out or not use the bad.
I do not wish to become mentally ill again. Because it is not fun to not understand or lose the grip of reality. Believe me right now for this entire month I been doing every thing that is permitted possible to not get confused again. But I know all so true that anything can happen in life. I also understand if I figure out the problem, I may gain the skills to cope with these mental affects. Which is why I am going to the groups which help me understand and gain the tools to apply to myself.
There are medication group which teaches what effects which medication haves on a person. There are groups the relaxes the mind and other good groups, hopefully I groups that will benefit me this coming up circle (quarter).
I am getting the chance to see though the entire circle (quarter). I need these groups to better understand myself. And know when to ask for help when my mind have a breakdown. Now I am fully aware that mental illness can affect me at anytime in life. But I also need to learn how to handle or where to look for help. Within me or elsewhere if I can not heal myself.
I am learning to catch myself before I get mentally ill. Which is why it is good to take a time out to understand my own behavior. That way I can tot down how I feel when trouble or a mental state of mind creeps up. Figuring out the problem before the bad effects happen, is deffernatly a plus. It seems difficult to catch myself when I start showing negative signs, but I have learn to keep a journal about my mental state of mind when it happens. In order to understand others mental state of mind, I must understand my own state of mind. So I will not be too close to a person who are mentally in a negative mood. Or I can help the person understand that they do have people who cares for them around this department of mental health.
All these people in a-3 (inmates) have their own mental illness, which is why they were sent to this program. I myself have many years and many more mental battles I may have to fight. But I am hopeful this time that I wll have the skills to cope with this mental illness. Which is why this place is keeping me here for around nine months. This way I can do a self check to see what I must do for the reminder of years I have left in prison.
Once I leave Vacaville DMH, I am expecting to recover at least 97%. Right now my recovery is around 78%, but other days around 80%. I still have a lot to work at the things I need to do to keep my mind in good shape. Now I need to figure out a way to exercise, but it seems like it isn't going to happen anytime soon. I also need to do steches to losen up my joints, because it helps me feel good and relax.
My life seems like it finally just begun. And I intend to not let it slip by me. I will put effort into these remaining few years. And put myself into the mood to be productive. And to not see or to know that I have wasted these past few years, that I have left in prison.
So I continue to improve all the areas that I am good at. I work at these areas. Because I am getting better at these task, doesn't mean that I should stop improving myself.
If I do not continue to be productive I am letting life slip me by. And it's a bad sign that I have lost the will to continue.
At times I push myself to work at things that will be beneficial to my being. Which is why it is sometime good to push one self. But one must not over push ones own capabilities.
I have accepted or have register that it is a fact that I am a prisoner. And not to complain at the correction officer. Because they are in authority, and one will never win when a wrong is done to those who are in blues. I stay away from the green coats, and learn not to argue with the green coats.
I have come a long way to be at the state I am today. Been through many roads in prison, and thought that I have learn everything I need to do in prison to survive. Then new road blocks comes up. And then a whole new style of doing time in prison arrives. All I can do is learn from past mistakes and not make the same mistakes twice. It becomes a big burden on me whenever I make the same mistakes twice.
Sometimes people have only one chance, and if they make that one mistake that can lost them their entire life. Which is why a person must watch what they do. And not to break laws that can cost them a sentence of life in prison.
To The Audiences, Fans, & Readers
If you enjoy this writing, that's good. If it helps you out, that's excellent.
The writer hopes to encourage the audiences, fans, and readers. Moreover, when the audiences, fans, or readers benefit from this book, the author shall be glad.
The writer thanks all. To continue writing for a better world and to improve humanity, the author accept donation in the form of a money order or check send to the address below:
Vuong Van Nguyen K-86302
A-340 CMF
P.O. Box 2000
Vacaville, CA 95695-2000
You can also contact the author in writing to the same address above. Thank you and may your days be blessed..
Chapter Five
IT IS NOT HOPELESS TO RECOVER FROM A STATE OF MENTAL ILLNESS
I am recovering right now from a state of mental illness. And I am figuring out what meds doesn't give me side affects. When certain meds give me side affects, I talk to my doctor. And the doctor figure out how to change to the correct meds to not cause me so much side affects. It may take years to put a person on the correct meds, because so many medication do have side effects. So one must have an open line to be sure to talk to your doctors about the problems they are having. Sometimes it's not even the medication that is affecting a person. Missing meals or not eating in the morning can make a person unbalance. Or not sleeping can and will cloud a persons thinking. So be sure to eat at least something each day. And be sure to gain some sleep. If you do not get your sleep, you maybe acting odd or puting yourself in a wreck.
Once you have control of your mental state of mind once again, do things that will be a benefit. But adapt to things or adapt to the environment and your behavior will not be so damaging. It is better to go to Groups that will help you understand who you are. It's when you understand yourself that life becomes a bit more managing. Manage your life because it's only you that can manage life.
Be good to yourself and not inflect pain or cut yourself. Because it will not solve anything, and the doctors might give you more medication. That's all the doctors do is keep on changing and giving you different medication until they find the correct meds for you.
Taking meds can affect you your entirre life. Taking the wrong meds can damage your body. Learning about different meds can and will be a benefit to your knowledge. Which will help you to understand the benefits and the none benefits of different meds. It's good to know what kind of meds the doctor is giving to you.
Getting out of bed early or around 7am can become very beneficial when you eat breakfast. That is why it's good to do things in the day time. Meaning you should not sleep in the day time and stay awake at night. Do things in the day time and get your sleep at night.
Enjoying yourself is a plus. Because your mood will be peacful or happy. Do things that will make you happy or be around people who cares for you. But in prison it is difficult to find good company. I tend to hang around people who do business with me. I have friends, but it is costly, meaning the more friends the more money I spend. I tend to somehow manage what I can afford to give or help others with. Until I reach a limit, I have to turn the water off. O I can meet my own needs also. If I give everything away, I may not have nothing for myself. Which is why I sometimes may have to cut the water off myself. And I understand how awful life can be without the things or supplies I need.
It is good to help people, but it simply not good to spoil them. Then they expect something all the time. And it is truly not possible for me to take care of every person. But it is good to ease the pain of other mentally ill people. Just maybe directing them to make the right decision can get them in a positive mood. giving a person some food can cheer them up. Or just helping them out can benefit you and them.
Move around different place can relax your mind. And be a healthy way to change your mood, by changing your scenery. Sometimes it's just not possible to change your scenery. That's when you take a few deep breath and release it slowly. This can be signs that will let you know that you are stressing. Then you can apply steps or find things to do to get yourself out of stress mood. Stretch or exercise can and will get your blood move, so you will feel better. Doing these things may be funny to others, but I can only benefit you because you are applying these steps for yourself.
Sometimes just watching television can get your mind out of a mental state of mind. Listening to music can relax your mood from worst to good. It's up to your thinking and what you can do will affect your well being. Sometimes being around people who talks and do ackward things can spark up your mental state of mind. Thats when you do things, to help you change your negative thinking. Change your thinking and life will be better.
Once I get my glasses I will definately feel good. Knowing that my glasses is on it's way helps me to look forward to each coming day. And I will definately feel wonderful, when I can see again. The only things I can see right now is really close things. Because I am near sighted, I only can see the distance of only close to a feet.
Once you recover from a state of mental illness. It is good to learn what kind of illness it is. I have come to terms to diagnose my own behavior as being depressed almost all the time. Now I am figuring out ways to get myself out of a depressive mood. Because being depressed have become a big road block on my mental state of mind. It is good to figure out all the factors that make me so down. I now have a clearer picture of what things I must do to get out of this negatively depress mood.
In order to get out of mental illness, one has to get out of this mentally bad mood. Once you understand your illness you can figure out ways to fight back. And once you find what is the problem you can do things that will improve your state of mind.
Chapter Six
A DEEPER MEANING TO LIFE
When a person understands how precious life is they tend to not over look their lives and other people lives. Every persons life is a gift, and it should not be overlook.
But not all people value life, lots of people devalue life and tend to commit acts of suicide over and over again. These people need to learn skills to improve themselves not to think that life is not worth living. They also need to be around people who cares for them. And help them open their eyes to see that life is worth living. Helping them to cope with their mental illness and to continue the fight just to be alive is definately a plus.
When each person look into themselves, they need to find a belonging, or a place in life to make life meaningful. It's when we do not make life meaningful, we fail to see and realize the importance of life.
Some people find a deeper meaning to life by helping others. I tend to find ways to help others help themselves. Sometimes I use words that can put imprints on peoples mind, so they can remember not to do stupid things that people should not do.
Some people just needs to be push just a little. In order to help them see themselves as a person that can have a true impact on society these people should not waste their lives and sit back and do nothing. If they do nothing, they are wasting a chance to benefit other peoples lives.
A life that is wasted will have no meaning. But a life that is productive will have a good impact on many peoples lives.
Just impacting one person life for the better will not be consider as failure. Meaning now you can impact the next person life that needs a tune up.
I know I am capable of impacting many peoples lives. Which is why I draw, paint, write, and do things around people who needs all the help possible. As long as they learn to help themselves, I will help them. Because it's up to a person to figure out ways to help themselves which will guide them to understand their own lives and take control of their own life. And be responsible to the choices they choose to make in life.
I draw in hopes of cheering a person who looks at the drawing which they purchase. I paint in hopes of people smiling at what they purchase. I write in hopes of people who will enjoy what they read and purchase. I help people out in hopes of opening their eyes to understand how to solve problems. I do all these activities also in hopes of helping my family reach the American Dream. Which seems very difficult to reach. It just makes me work even more and more. Because I want to be alive when things start to happen. Because helping family succeed while I am not alive I will not know if I succeeded or not. I do not want to die and think all the work I have done is in vain.
Days, months, and years pass by, and I tend to find more and more deeper meaning to life. I just add new meaning or just registor it into my data base in my brain.
Every person tend to find a place in life. We all long for a meaning to life. But it's up to each person to find their way. If you live with no purpose, you may be lost in this life. Open your eyes and see what life is all about. And you will understand that this may be the only life that is given to each person. When it's wasted life may not ever return to you. Meaning this may be the only one life that you are so lucky to experience. It's entirely up to you to live life to its fullest. Or waste your life and the chance of doing things you wish you had done before it's too late. There is all kinds of good reason to help people who are near to you because you are actually showing them that you support them and care for them.
I tend to live every single day as it was my last day. This way I am reminding myself that I must push myself to go the extra mile. And not to waste moments in life. But I must also learn and understand that I am human and need to take breaks.
When I look at or think of the true view of the world. It troubles me knowing that there are endless problems in the world or universe. But I also know that where there's a problem there might be someone who can solve it. With one person who can solve one problem, there will be one less problem in the world. But many new problem always somehow arrives. It seems like there is an endless amount of problems. Thats when we need to find those who look for deeper meaning to life, to step up and figure out ways to solve the toughest questions to life.
When a person finds a meaning to life or something to life for, they find meaning for themselves, a higher purpose to carry on. It feels better and more things will follow, meaning a person must take care and stay healthy in order to keep on staying alive longer and longer. Because they have found truly a deep and meaningful purpose to be alive. Which shows a person that life is worth living. But at times one person finds drugs to cope with their suicide problems. That is a terrible direction one is headed. So I advise you not to cope with your problems with drugs.
You need help and maybe, just maybe you will find a good doctor who gives you the correct medication and good direction on the label. Then it's up to you not to abuse the legal drugs that is prescribe to you.
When you find your true purpose in life, you will most likely not even the need to take or use illegal drugs. Because your goals are at a higher playing field.
Your deeper meaning to life can be whatever you choose it to be. Except harming yourself or other. When you choose your deeper meaning, it will be beneficial if it is towards what skill you are good at. If you choose skills that your not good at, it may take many years to crave out the road, and will be very difficult to accomplish. And you may be wasting time to your true purpose in life.
If you are skill in many areas you can rotate which task to work at. As long as you are supplie with the material tha is needed. Sometimes you just have to work with what you have. And work toward a purpose and things will get done. But if you do nothing, nothing will be done. You are the driver and you decide which road to take. If you don't decide your car is just sitting in the garage for how long, as long as you do nothing.
It is a plus when you figure out what you are good at. That way you do not waste precious time and be on your way. Success will always come as long as you are true to yourself. And do not give up, and continure to work at it. even when the Dream seems so far to reach. Just do what you love and are good at. Sooner or later someone will recognize your skills. Once that happens it's another step forward. Until so many people recognize your skills, then there is no holding back. That's when you know your in the game and success is just around the corner. Now all you have to do is keep up the progress. And keep on pushing forward. You can step back and take a rest. But you are still in the mood to continue pushing forward. Which is good if it makes you happy, then continue.
Chapter Seven
MAKING GOOD LIFE DECISIONS
It's not simple to make good life decisions. Sometimes it takes lots of mistakes before a person to open their minds to make the correct decision. It's when we make these small mistakes that we learn not to make these same mistakes over and over again. Then we manuval our selves to make correct decisions. It's better to make small mistakes then to make a large mistake. When making large mistake it can and will affect and may devastate a person life. If the devastating decision is done, it can and will be difficult to change. One may have to do little things to change the damage. It will take time to heal.
You will know when you are making good life decision when you make or pick the correct choices to persue.
When you do task and see it through, you know that you have made a good decision in life. When it's a good decision, you will most likely keep on persuing it. Because you understand the benefit, that when you complete the task, it makes you feet good.
When you choose to persue the wrong task, which will make you unhappy; you will tend not to persue it again. You will learn quickly what can benefit you and what will not be of benefit to you. It's entirely up to you to dig through your mind and abilities to sort out what is good and what is not.
Sometimes exploring other avenue or take up new task can benefit a persons mind, that doing something new will keep on changing a persons thinking. It will be new to the mind. And will help a person become more open minded.
Making good life decision can be tricky and difficult, if a person don't know where to start. You just have to be openminded and explore your decision making skills. See what is right from wrong. Make excellent choice when it is what you find to be correct.
It is entirely up to you when it is up to you to better your own life. But it can be entirely up to a group of people, if the decisions affect the group of people. Which is why you must make good decision, because it can affect many people; not just yourself.
Making good life decision can become difficult if you do not understand what is it you must do to accomplish this task. That is why you must study and look up things. In order to make correct choices in life. Because if you know nothing and do not do the study you will not be able to make good decisions.
Some people depends on us to make good life decision. Because it can have a real big impact on our families lives or our own lives. If you have kids, you must decide on how much each kid needs or necessities are needed for each child. If their needs are not meet, your child can have a real difficult time each day that their needs are not meet.
It's real important to understand other people. And those who you are around. To have a better understanding of other peoples duties in life. So you will not misunderstand a person behavior. There may be many good reason why an individual acts a certain way. It is good not to misjudge a persons behavior, before you understand why they do what they do. Sometimes people don't think and just make bad decision. And fail to realize what they did. Making good decision, you must be aware of what you are doing. When you don't watch yourself, you may not make the best decision.
When you know yourself and those who you are around, it is like auto-matic that you will make the best decision. It feels good to make the correct decision.
Most things we do in life is all decision making. Which is why it is important to have good decision making skills. When we make the same decisions over and over, it's like we program our mind. Example if we decide each day to eat at 8:30 am we will eat at that same time. Then it will become automatic that we will get up each morning to eat at that time. If we decide not to eat at that time then we will not eat. But we may change our breakfast time to 10 am, then we will eat at that time.
If a person has appointments and meetings it is good to decide to show up on time. If we don't show up on time, a person may miss an important meeting. Be sure that you decide to be on time for all your appointmens.
If you have classes be sure to go on time. Because you may miss a good lecture. Or you may miss a homework assignment.
In life it's all about making good decisions. When we make bad decisions is when we fail, so we must keep making decisions until it's the correct decision.
Sometimes it is nice to have the tools to make good life's decision. Example if we have the correct amount of cash to pay rent (tool), then it's easy to make this decision to pay rent. If we do not have enough money to pay rent, we tend to look for alternative and find extra work to find the reminder amount of the rent money.
Each situation can be different . But it's up to you on how you handle each situation on deciding what is the best decision for each situation. It takes time to truly make smart decision.
Sometimes people ask you to do things that you do not want to do. But you do not want to say no, because you may hurt their feelings. Until you finally gain the momentum to say no. You will keep on saying yes. So it takes time to gain self esteem to say no. It's all about knowing when it is a good time to say no.
If we know how to make correct decision and choose not to make the correct decision, it's our own fault that we ot into our own mess. So don't play around when you can make the correct decision. If it's an important decision it's important that we see it through and not fool around, and make wrong decision. What we decide to do will have a big impact on our lives and other peoples lives.
SPECIAL THANKS
Thanks to Bryan and Eric for standing and believing in me when things
seems so far and difficult to believe.
One of these days trust me, we are going to succeed.
We will not ever fall.
If one shall fall, another shall stand.
I can not ever fail, for my own goals and dreams are higher than I have ever
expected it to be.
Chapter Eight
LIVE LIFE LONGER STAY HEALTH
When you do things to stay healthy you will live longer. Exercise could add 2 years to your life, meaning your two years younger if you exercise for 30 minutes each day. Stretch your muscle before you start doing difficult exercise. Staying in shape will make you feel good and keep you healthy. You just need to exercise everyday. If you need rest, you can rest on Saturday and Sundays.
Get in the shower to remove the dead skin and dirt will keep your skin looking younger and you become healthier. Good hygiene, like brushing your teeth and flossing your teeth will make you look ten years younger, if you continue to do it for years.
Eat healthy food can make you feel good and stay healthy. Cook your food instead of eating it uncook can keep you more healthier.
What you choose to do with your body will determine how healthy you live. If you abuse it by smoking you may get cancer and die years earlier. So you should put down that smoke and stop smoking.
If you use illegal drugs you may lose many years of living. Or you can die from an over dose. It will affect your health in many ways. Your bones can become more weaker. Your muscle may disappear because you don't eat. And when you don't eat you may get ulcer.
Exercise your brain to keep your mind healthy. Play cards, dominoes, other games which will help you remember things. The more you remember the younger you feel.
Having friends around and pets can keep you more happy and healthy. Animals like cats or dog can cheer you up when you see them smile and laught you can stay years younger. It takes less muscle to smile then not to smile. So smile a little more.
Chapter Nine
BIG IMPACT
As long as you're alive and not too old, you can have a bigh impact in life. You can make a big impact on your life or other peoples lives. If you are still chasing dreams, keep chasing it if that is your goals. Don't give up on your dream, who knows. You may make millions and be able to help other people chase their dream with some of your money.
Money is important because in order to reach certain dreams you need funding. Money can also help a person buy the supplies to chase their own dream.
It's ok to fail, if you don't succeed try and try again. As for myself I have set my mind not to fail, I don't just try. I do whatever it takes in a good way to succeed. I understand that most likely I will only live around 70 years to 80 years old. Which is why I have around 40 years left to chase the American Dream.
If you want to make a big impact in life, it takes a lot of work and determination. You may have to ask yourself is it realistic or if it may take 10 or maybe even 30 years. If you want to become a doctor in the hospital, you may have to get your PHD and how many years in life you have to go to school. In order for you to help your patients in the hospital.
Having a big impact can being able to provide for your family in life. Which is why some people work two jobs each week to provide food on the table for their love ones.
Making a big impact on our lives, we must look within ourselves and be truthful and see how determine we are to commit that much time. I am commiting myself to make my life and my families lives better. Which is why I do task and things that I know I am capable of doing. Who knows one day I might produce something that will change my families lives for the better. It's also possible I may change many peoples lives, not just my own family. I am in this for the long run. I may be a turtle but I will win in the end.
Sometimes to have a big impact, we need to keep on doing what we love to do. And if we're good at it someone will notice. And things may take off there. But it won't hurt to get things notice a little. If you are good at what you do you may have a big impact on a lot of lives, not just your own.
Chapter Ten
LIVE ONCE; DO THINGS RIGHT
You only get one life to do things right. I advise you not to commit crimes that might put you in prison for life. Because there is no life in prison. Prison is not the right place to be. Prison sucks.
You understand you live once, right? So, when you make mistakes be sure you learn something, and try not to keep on making the same mistakes over and over. If you keep on making the same mistakes over, you haven't learn a thing.
When you do things right it feels good, because you know you did it right. Like if you go through high school, you know you need the schlorship to get into college. So you study to get all A's or B's and you may get into a good college funded by someone. That's if you don't have money, to get into a good college.
Be around people who do not break the laws, and you may avoid making the wrong decision. If you have no money, you may have to figure out a way to get a job or have an income somehow. But I advise you to do it legally. Because it's not fun in prison, you lose your rights. If you don't like a job, if you have enough money you might want to be your own boss and sell your own merchandise. We all live once, we all can not afford to make mistakes, so o things right.
We grow up when we make mistakes and learn from it. As long as the mistakes is not big. We grow when we make small mistakes, and we learn not to keep on making that same mistakes over and over again.
There is just so many tihings to do to keep doing things right. There is relatives we must keep in touch to keep our family close, someone to lean on in difficult times. Sometimes we just need a time out to take care of ourselves. Because sometimes I worry about the needs of my fellow prisoners that I lose sight of my own needs. And I fail to take care of my own needs. I must understand what I can do and what I can afford to spare to help others with. If I give everything away I will not have nothing else. And my needs will not be meet. Then mentally I might think so much that I may become ill again. Which I do not want to become menatally ill again. Sometimes you help and help, but it seems like it's only a small drop in the bucket. Do not feel bad, you did all you can do. It's up to that person to figure out a way to help themselves. Or find the right people who will be able to help them. No one said life was easy, but if our brain still works, there is still hope.
It depends on what we choose to do in life. There is just so many things we can do. There's all sorts of roads to take. We may have to study about ourselves to figure out what is it we choose to do. It can be a career, so we go back to school or learn a vocational skill. Then we have to find a job, and hopefully it's a job we don't mind to work.
For me, at the moment I am still fighting every single day in prison. Meaning mentally I am not doing so good. My mind keeps on hurting, my body seems like it doesn't function right. Today is March 29, 2010, and a few days ago I felt really good. Which is why I am starting to write today, to take my mind off other things. I started to draw but my vision seems to become a little blury.
Chapter Eleven
Problems in Life
I am only 32 years old and I have so many problems. Being in prison just makes me even more frustated. That also causes me to stress, it seems like everything I do seems so stressing. When I do nothing I also stress, that's when I sleep almost all day long. And I know it's not healthy to sleep all day long.
I eat healthy food, and watch what I eat, I eat little, and it seems like I'm not eating right. Even the little problems bother me, it seems like there is no escape. I got to keep myself clean, hand wash my laundry most of the time.
I just got to find or figure out a way to get back on the right direction. It's just feels so difficult to get back up. It always seems that new problems keeps on arising. I been keeping lots of things to myself, but ever since I started writting, I write most of what I think on paper. I guess it's a way to escape for me. I find things to do to have my mind think and will not fall asleep. It's like a struggle every single day, I mentally keep on fighting, because, in hopes of a better tomorrow.
It seems like I'm always at odds with myself. I need to find a way to not punish myself so much. Mentally I don't know what to do. But physically I go to groups, exercise, and find other things to do.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I also find good memories. And I understand that I must live, because everyones life is a gift and we must carry on, move forward.
It's good to figure out things to do, instead of sleeping in bed for 18 hours. Why is it that people sleep so much? They must be depressed, I get this way also. Somehow I manage to stay awake sometimes.
I also have money trouble, I still own money on a student loan. I don't know when I'll be able to pay that back. Plus I still owe around 3 thousand dollars for restitution.
I also understand that people in the streets also have lots of problems. We all have problems, it's up to us to figure out how to solve our problems. Sometime we need to ask others for help. If some people won't help you, keep on asking, sooner or later someone will help you.
I too also have money problems, not as much as people in the streets. I purchase materials that I used each month. I have to estimate how much cosmetics I need for each month. How much food I need, because I hardly eat meat or anything that is animal. I eat lots of soup, top ramen, and vegetables. I purchase lots of pen and paper to do my assignments. I sometimes spoiled myself with ice cream, and chocalate.
Mentally I struggle with my own mind, and think on it's own. I feel so down at times that my body seems so difficult to function. I am going to groups next week in hopes of learning something about my health. Hopefully I learn something that will help me mentally. If I can't have peace in my mind, my other function seems difficult to work.
Chapter Twelve
LEARNING TO LIVE
Life isn't always spectakler, but life will have it's good moments. We live for the memories. It's difficult to live with a mental illness. But people somehow with mental health problems seem to make it through. The more I write it seems like I am also learning about myself.
I use to not value my own life, I try killing myself three or four times. When I was eighteen I try to shot myself in the head with a .38 special. That didn't work. When I lost trial at 20 years old I tried to drink whole bunch of medication, like alot of IBPROFIN and a few box of cold tablets. That didn't work either, I also swallow glass. Now I understand that life must carry on. It's not good to try to kill yourself, life is a gift I keep reminding myself.
Now I am picking up my feet and thanks to Eric, reminding me to continue writting, which is why I am writting right now. Learning to live can become compaciated and frustrated. But I hope I can manage, it's more a headache when I am totally lost. When this happens my mind somehow breaks down. To find myself again I start by finding or doing something familiar. It helps me find my ground when I draw, write, or paint. Today is a good day even though I sleep around eleven hours.
It seems like every few hours I am fighting with myself again and again. Wondering why this will not stop. It seems like I am talking to myself in the head again and again. I am not taking out loud, I just think of it in my head.
Somehow it always seems like I am living a risky life. I guess I have always been a risky person. What kind of risk, like being on my own alot in my teenager years. I had to find food and a place to live.
Learning to live around alot of different races is hard. At first I thought it was not possible. I just had to adapt, and get to know people. But I am unwilling to live with a rapist or a child molester. Because lots of people in prison do not like rapist or child molester.
I play card games, chess, dominnos and other table games. The games sometimes help me cope with being in prison. But I been playing most of these games for thirteen years and it seems like I stop playing.
Sometimes I run, But for the past few years I have not been running. It seems like I am losing the will to exercise.
I decided I am going to do things each day, as long as I have the supplies to accomplish the task. Most likely I will accomplish the task.
I THOUGHT LIFE WAS OVER. This book is online self epublish today April 14,2010. The next new online book entitled OBAMA by Vuong V. Nguyen is being released on GalaxyBooks.Weebly.Com.
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BEING ON MY OWN
Author: Vuong Nguyen
Copyright 2010
Epublish : Noodle
SPECIAL THANKS
I want to thank my Family for always being there for me.
I want to thank everyone who purchase this writing. I hope it
has inspire you and you learn something from this.
TABLE OF CONTENT
Chapter 1 Arrested 1997
2 1998
3 1999
4 2000
5 2001
6 2002
7 2003
8 2004 2005
9 2005
10 2006
Chapter 1
ARRESTED 1997
Just turned 19 years old 15 days ago in 1997 of January.
I got arrested on the 15th of January, for attempted murder. Somehow I found myself being on my own. I understand why I got arrested. But I couldn't believe at this time of life. Somehow I change my life around in 1996. I was going to college and I did great in school, I was a 4.0 student. I got financial aid and student loans. Then my world turn all around the next year. I found myself living in a single cell. I had no money, so the canteen was not open for me. Somehow I got my hands on paper and coloring pencils. So I draw and draw, until I had so many drawings that I sold for canteen goods. Somehow I found a little income. So I brought candy, drawing paper, regular paper, pencil, color pencil, etc....The reason why I made money was because people always come into the county jail for a short time. And they wanted to send something nice to their family.
I went to classes in the county jail to get my dipolma from high school. All I needed was around 20 credits, but I also already had my G.E.D. I went to class and did all the assignments, book after books, until all I needed was 20 something credits. Plus it give me something to do in the cell. I hardly talk to anyone about my case. Since there were only a few that had big cases. I hardly talk to anyone at all, only just doing business.
When I got the chance, I watch television and shower. All year long I went to court a lot for prelimary hearing. The court wanted to see if there is a case against me. Eventually there was a case against me, and they wanted to give me and co-defendents a package deal. If one person don't take the deal we all go to trial. There was two of us who took the deal, but one said no, so no deal. I was one that said yes to the deal. Every body would have gotten out of prison earlier if we took the deal. Now it's too late to even to think about a deal.
I also found my way into the law library and look at what things are in my case. I had a court appointed lawyer, because it's too expensive to hire an attorney. Plus I didn't have twenty or thirty thousand dollars.
We (inmates) got to go to the little yard in the building once in every three to four months. And that's the only time that we had to play hand ball. I also played dominoes, spades, and chess. It gives me relief by playing these games.
When football season came, we all watch the game on television, and we also place our bets on the football pole. I myself only bet one or two dollars each week on the games. I did not expect to win, that's why I did only small bets.
Laundry only came once a week. Change our old for clean clothing and clean sheets.
I got into a little trouble and they sent me in the hole. But I can't remember what I did wrong.
I had a few visist from friends and family. I enjoy any visit I had. It was good to see people, and I felt at ease at each visit.
I also collect lots of stamped envelopes because I knew I would need it. I had hundreds of stamped envelopes. Because stamped envelopes you can trade for stuff.
I also had time to read a lot. That's when for the first time I read the Holy Bible back to back. There's lots of good knowledge in the Bible even if you don't believe in it. The Bible will help you grow as a person. You can actually live a good life with the knowledge in the Bible.
Now it seems like no bodies going to help me with my decision making. I had to make my own decision on everything. I have to check myself, so I won't get into a rack.
It didn't feel good being lock up in the county jail. It seems that my life was over. Since I figured out that at least 99.9 percent I was going to lose in trial. But that will happen in the future.
I felt very down most of 1997, because I knew all so real that this is happening to me. I also knew or understand that I was going to lose in trial.
Dad came to visit me, he asked did I need a lawyer. I knew I was going to lose, so I didn't want to put my parents in debt for any reason.
When they arrested me the task force ran into the entire house. With no reguard of who's who's room. They only supposed to go into my room only! I felt very aweful what I put my family into.
Chapter 2
1998
Going to court preparing for trial. The court room in the back somehow let me borrow some clothing to get ready for jury selection and trial.
The lawyers selected which jury member they wanted to be the jury and to fill in the chair. We did this until we had a full jury to judge us.
I was stressing so much that I brought a few books of stamps with me. So I can purchase me a few smokes.
The only evidence they had was people talking on the witness stand. There was no other evidence except for some pictures.
The moment I saw the jury I knew we were going to lose. Till this day I still wonder why we went to trial. Fight a losing battle was not a smart thing to do.
They drove us to the court building in downtown Sacramento. That was where I brought the smokes. Man once I got back to the county jail, I started to light up one smoke after another in my cell.
Trial lasted for around three weeks. The entire case lasted over a year.
The jury convicted me of attempted murder for 26 years. I was sentenced on February 20, 1998 once the judge did his sentencing, we got to go back to the country jail. That's when I drank a whole bottle of Ibprofine, and a couple of boxes of Cold Tablets. It did not killed me, but it make me throw up and sad. I guess it wasn't time for me to go. So I carry on with what little life I had left. It was not much, but it was something.
Now I had to wait until the bus pick me up to RCCC. Then from there send me to reception. So I went to RCCC for a few weeks. In a dorm of eight people, we played games like Risk, Chess, Cards, etc... I used my stamps to purchase a little bit of candy and coffee. And I sold a few drawings for smokes there. Some people were someing tea out of the bags, they had nothing to trade with so that's all they had.
Finally they sent me to reception in Tracy prison. That's where I got my CDC #, I have stuck with me until this day, and who knows how longer.
First thing I did at Tracy was trade 30 stamps for two pouches of tobacco. And 10 more stamps for a lighter. Went out to the yard, the yard was huge! They had weights, basketball, track, etc...
Now I had to wait and see which prison they were going to send me. The court wrote a letter or some lawyer was appointed to me by the court of appeals.
Finally went to the canteen and all I brought was smokes and coffee. Can of Bugller tobacco only cost around $5.
I smoke every single day it seems like. Reception decided to send me to High Desert, the entire prison was on lock down. So we ate in the cells for over half a year. If we were lucky we will get a shower. Other then that we take bird baths in our cell.
If we were lucky we got to go to the cement yard, a very small yard.
Most of the time I was in the cell I read the Bible, because that's the only book I had.
I was saving the money in my books to get a CD RADIO and a television. I purchased the radio first along with cds like Phil Collins, Scorpions and a few more cds.
Then finally I saved up enough money to purchase a television. Thanks to Eric who help me out so much.
I still had art paper and color pencil, so I kept drawing, so I can sharpen my drawing skill. I brought paint, but level four prison does not allow inmates to purchase paint and paint brush.
Somehow we were on lock down and got the ordering catolog, because some other Vietnamese had the catolog and they also sent me and my celle a care package, items included lighter, pouch of Buggarler tobacco, and some soups.
Chapter 3
1999
Now I had a radio along with a television. I was living with an older Vietnamese person. He was over 50 years old and got 3 strike for a mino case. He had 40 dollars worth o5 dope which he used.
I draw on and off for 1999 and was experimenting with art-work. I had to purchase supplies in the art catolog, which I did. Where did I get the money, mostly from my brother, who's been good to me.
I draw stuff like in the county, used pen and color pencil. But I was making a few sales here and there, nothing big.
I had a job in the laundry room. My boss was a woman. I didn't mind. She look good for her age. But I would never make any move. Because I am determined to get out of prison. She was a really good boss. She wasn't selfish. She let me get clean and new laundry for myself as long as I was a hard worker. Which I was, I sweep, mop, put wax on the floor. Make sure all the sizes of clothing and boots were in the correct department. Tag numbers on the correct clothing locker. Also water the plants, push the laundry cart to its correct building. I also was on the cri citical worker list and when the prison was lock-down I could go work.
I also hook the Vietnameses up with clothing that they needed. Because some of them needed new clothing for visit. Wanted to look nice for family.
The institution was often on lock-down on and off. There were always or always seem like there a problem on the yard. Most of the prisoners were lifers. Also played handball in the yard, exercise and ate three meals a day. The food was good. When I was in High Desert State Prison, I went to the store mostly purchasing coffee, tobacco, and soups. It seems like all I ate was soups. Being on your own you must open your eyes and appriceate all the help offer to you. You learn not to take people kindness for granted. Mom, dad, brothers sometimes send me a little money here and there. I did not waste any money, because I knew how difficult it's to get the money.
I learn how to stretch a dollar and get all it's worth. I also learn for the first time to play Texas Hold Em. I wasn't no good but I knew what hands I had because I played poker at Cash Creek (Seven Stud Poker). I didn't win in the casino either, it was fun to play, but you can not be a fool and lose it all. If you lose all your money it isn't smart, I guess you may have to find a less expensive habit.
I smoke a lot this year, I brought lots of tobacco. Because it seems I was stressing every day. This is my first term in prison. I learn how to Respect others no matter what race they are. If I wanted to talk to other race, I'll keep my distance unless I am Welcome to get closer. I usually hang around the Asians and played cards like Pinocale with them. I also played chess and a few other games.
There were lots of prison politics in the prison yards.
I brought magazines pictures of womens. Because I am not gay, and needed to release or release stress.
Also exercise on the yard, did pull ups, dips, and stretches. Exercise at least five times a week. I was in good health and flexable even though I smoke.
People were getting new tatoos all the time. I didn't wanted to get any tatoos. Because I may regret later. Which I did with the few tatoos I had when I was in the streets. All you need is a moter, Indian ink, pen and guitar string for the tatoo gun. Also need sand paper to sand the needle.
The program at High Desert State Prison seems good. But there are too much violence there.
There's always some race always on lock down at High Desert. Because there's always some kind of drama there. I was lucky this year, I did not get into trouble.
Chapter 4
2000
I begin the year with no new year resolution. I still smoke a lot, and drink coffee. The Vietnameses here are like my family away from home. They go to canteen and give food to other Asian who doesn't have nothing to eat or consider it we share what we have with each other. I was always Independent and hardly ask for anything, because I am a survival. But I accept any help that family in the streets give me.
This year I also keep reading the Holy Bible I also went to other ceramonies. My faith started to become Christianity. I was so blinded that I was looking for something to belong to. But I wasn't sure that this religion was really real. I learn a lot of things in the Holy Bible to apply what I learn to my life. I still had a television, but I love music more than television. So I used the radio to listen to mostly Vietnamese music. That the other Vietnameses let me borrow.
I was still working in the laundry room. I was a hard worker. But prison does not pay you much. I got a few dollars every month for the job. But the true benefit was getting clean and new clothing and boots along with new jackets, because it snow and was cold up there.
This year you can still get a package sent in from the streets. Meaning family can go shopping and purchase Asian food to be sent. And other prison priviledges.
I was not into watching televison much these years, but I keep up with the news.
I also was still drawing and learning how to draw with ink pens. It was difficult to learn. It seems like I was experimenting with drawing free hand a lot. I went through lots of drawing sketch paper. I was drawing in color pencil for other Asian friends. Because some of the Asians wanted to send some drawings to their family. So I draw when I had extra time. I didn't mind doing it, since I started to fall or appreciate art more and more.
There were around 15 Vietnameses and we were close to each other. We had to look out for each other, we always keep our eyes open, if there was anything happen to us in the yard, meaning we had each others back.
We had our Vietnamese New Year celebration. We all pitched in five dollars for the Asian food that was sent in from the streets.
I still haven't got a visit in prison yet. But I manage to cope with what I learn, I still was independent and really hard headed. I was alway serious. I was a small person, compare to other people. Life was pretty difficult. I did not enjoy my life. But I always was on the move. I always had something to sell or to trade. I had to find a few bucks here and because no one was going to help me. I had to find a way to help myself. When i did voleenteer work in the kitchen, the correctional officer let us bring extra food home (in cell) for helping them out.
There was a stabbing so they stripped all the prisoners out in the snow. To look for weapons and took pictures of the scene. No one would say they knew who did it. Because prisoners keep it to themselves or else they may be the next person kick out of the yard.
Chapter 5
2001
I stop reading the Holy Bible, I started to lose my faith as a Christian. And did a lot of soul seeking, I wanted to understand who I am
This is the year I got transfer to Mule Creek State Prison. I also did a lot of meditation. I just like to meditate. The prison log all my property a few days before I got sent to the next prison. I said my final good-byes to the Vietnameses. And I recommended my laundry job to a friend and my boss hired him. Now I am at my next prison.
When I got to the yard the prison officer give me all my property. Then I was on orientation meaning stay in cell for few days. The Vietnameses sent me a care package. In it was soups, coffee, tobacco, and a lighter. But I also transferred with tobacco. So I had tobacco with me. The vietnameses told me there's two cars. The Asian car and the Islander. There were around twenty Vietnameses. The Chineses, Koreans, Hmongs, Loas, Cambodians, and Vietnameses were in one car. The Asians car had around thirty something people. The Islanders had around that amount also.
I somehow got my GED proof into the C-File, so the prison put me in office services, a computer class. I went to office services till the end of 2001.
I hung around Tran and Pham. They taught me how to play Vietnamese Chess later on or a few times this year. They cell me up with an Islander then I hook up a new celle. He was Vietnamese, we were cool with each other. We shared whatever we had.
I draw this year but not as much. My celle also love to cook, his food was alright.
The Asians played basketball most of the time. They hate to lose so they were very competative in all the sports that were played. Other games soccer, volleyball, handball, exercising, chess, and etc... we also placed bets on football games. Everyone tried to hint the hundred dollar pole. I played but never hit the hundred dollar pole. But I hit the pick-ems, hit close to a hundred dollars in cosmetics and food.
This was the year when the twin tower in New York got hit with the air planes. I thought they were making a movie. But they weren't. It was real, America was under attack by Afganerstain (Bin Latan). The prison was on lock down until a few days later. America was at war, the Afganastain also hit the Pentagon.
The market started to lose money, stocks were going down, and prices for oil shot up. Then the United States started to attack in Afganastain. They show the invasion on the television. The United States flew jets with missles, also had un man little spy plane and short target missles into Afganastain. They could not kill Bin Laden, never found Bin Laden. Gas shot up around three to four dollars a gallon.
Chapter 6
2002
i started the year off by exercising with Tran and Pham. We exercise five times a week. I can do 25 to 30 pull-ups. But I usually do 15 pull-ups on 3 sets of 15. We would exercise about two hours each day, five times a week. Unless we were very very tired we would rest. Sometimes we do sit-ups, but not as much.
I would always hang around Tran and Pham. Sometimes we eat outside or open a spread for the Asians.
I was still drawing on small size paper. I sold each drawing for two dollars a piece. Made a little extra money on the side. And brother was looking out for me, family sometimes send me a little cash here and there.
Still played the football pole, but still never hit. Completed the entire vocational trade (office services). Then I was unassigned for a few months. I still smoke, the prison still sell tobacco. But no more weight or magazine. They took away the magazine along with the photo graphs.
I received my diploma or completion of office services. America was still looking for Bin Laden and attacking Afganastain.
Tran and Pham taught me about football. Tran's a Green Bay (Bret Farve) fan and Pham was a 49ers fan. And I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. We always place bets on the game a few dollars, and we like to play the football poles. We watch the games on television. Whenever the Packers played Tran always stayed in to watch his team played. That is how much he likes the Packers.
I also play sports with the Asians, but I was no good at sports. But they keep telling me to play. I can't see without glasses. But I still played soccer and I stay back to kick all the balls to the other side, I was defending. The goally was Tran, and Pham was playing attack his job is to score. We played against the Blacks once. We played against the Bisa (Mexicans) many time, because they love to play soccer. We also played against the Islanders.
Then at night yeard we played volleyball next to building 15. That's where most the Vietnameses live, I also live there.
There's six showers the Whites would have two showers. The Blacks would have two showers. The Asians had one shower but two showers placed in one. And the Mexicans had one shower with two showers in one. The Native Indians and Islanders would shower with the Asians.
The United States was still in Afganastain fighting the war that seems to have no end. They keep sending more and more soldiers there. They also wanted Pakastain to help, and used some of their land for bases. The U.S. had a few Europeans countries that would help them with the war.
During one of the Vietnamese Birthday, he open a big spread for the Asians. Because he had money sent in, plus he works in P.I.A. (Prison Industry Authority). So he can afford to do that, and it was good food.
I got better at playing Vietnamese chess, but I can not beat Tran and Pham. They were too good at this game. Also played Pinochale at least five times a week, for three to four hours each time. Sometimes we would play Risk or Monopoly.
I sometimes go gamble with the Mexicans playing Mexicans Poker. Played around three times and lost, so I stop gambling with the Mexicans. Bet a few times on baseball games on t.v.
Chapter 7
2003
Started the New Year with no new year resolution. Still smoke because I was addicted to cigarrets.
this was the year I started to order large paper (18"x24") sheets of paper. To draw on graphic artworks. The Dragon took me close to a few hundred hours to complete. I also draw for Tran and Pham. This is the year that I really got down to drawing graphic artworks. I also draw on cotton sheets. I started to purchase acrylic paint, and for the first time I started to paint. I was experimenting with the paint. It was difficult to paint, but I did not gave up, I continue to paint. What ever money I had, I purchase art supplies.
This year I was hired to work in the law library. I handed out law books, and I was in charge of the fiction and non-fiction books. I put all the books in order, by numbers, and authors, and book titles. It did not take me long to learn the systems in the law library. I read or scan most of the non-fiction books. This was the year I went through all the Encyclepedia books. I also learn about law, but I was not into law. I also read civil law. I scan through all the national Geographic magazines. A few years of magazines.
I also asked my friends to purchase Artist Market Books. Then I checked out how to use the copyrights. So I could protect my creations on paper. I draw a lot, I made stacks of artworks, in the thousands. For some reason I knew I was going to be good at drawing and painting. Even though my work have not sold for money. I kept on working, someday it will get known.
I also study on the famous painters and drawers. Like Pablo Picasso, Vincent Van Gough, Michael Angalo and many other great painters.
Still played chess, pinochale, and exercise. Played a few games of soccer. Played a little bit of basketball, watch television, favorite show was Star Trek Voyager, watch from the beginning to it's ending. Also watch a few seasons of Big Brother. Check out the Spanish channels. I still had my radio but did not purchase any new cd's.
Move from Building 15 to Building 13, because my roommate had to move to the gym. The gym house mostly level two and a few lifers.
Once I learn everything I needed in the law library I quit the job. So now yard crew hired me to pick up trash in the yeard with no pay. So I decided to quit that job also. So now they put me in a porter position in Building 13. I also got tired of that job so I quit. They put me on L-statis for a few months. So I had day and night time to keep on creating artworks. I brought a few hundred pens this year, to do my artworks. I started to draw in pen only because it made me faster. I did not waste much time, I mangage my day and was precise on what to do each and every day.
All the artworks or most of the artworks I sent to Bryan. People would ask me to purchase the football stadium that I drew for Tran. But I said no because I didn't want to draw another one. They would pay $30 to $50 dollars. I drew a few portiats in ink pen.
Still place bets on football games. But still did not hit the football pole. But I hit the 4 picks, got paid around $30 to $40 dollars.
The prison stop playing rated r movies because people was complaining how violence and nudity the movies were. So there's no more good movies on the prison movie channels.
My appeal lawyer got me five years knock off my sentence, instead of 26 years. Now I have 21 years. The court double jeopordy me and give me two great bodily injury, instead of one. One was for 10 years and the other one was 5 years. So they knock out the five years to put it 21 years.
I smoke so much that I started to smoke lots of cigars. Cigars were more expensive but I sold alot of drawing cards this year.
My friend got parole this year and left me alot of Vietnamese cd music and clothing, like sweat pants, sweat shirt, and shorts.
I started to collect stamps a lot this year. I had over a thousand stamps. Most of the time I traded small drawings for ten stamps a piece.
Chapter 8
2004
I started the year off by drawing and continue to draw and paint the entire year. I was ordering lots of art supplies, purchased acrylic paint, pens, paper and etc...
Quit the porter job then they gave me a main kitchen job. Which I had to unload the food from the trucks. And reload food for the regular kitchen. Lots of work to be done also after finish working, the boss sometimes let us eat whatever food we wanted.
Watch football and still place bets. But never hit the football pole. Still exercise with Tran and Pham. Every Vietnamese, Korean, and Chinese New Year, we all pitched in and open a spread. We all ate and had fun.
Now there's a new rule, we can not get packages from home to prison anymore. But we can order food and other items through a package vender that the prison chooses.
Still smoke and drink coffee, because I was addicted to tobacco.
Moved from Building 13 to Building 11. And still found time to continue to do artwork. Didn't go to kitchen because the food was the same every week.
Live with another Vietnamese for a few months and he got parole. Then lived with an Islander and move him out and had another Vietnamese celle.
Got a visit from Bryan, haven't seen him for seven years.
Watch television and turn to that 70's show. That show was good, which is why I watch that show.
Played sports mostly soccer, but the Vietnamese played basketball on the weekend. This year lots of Vietnamese got paroled.
I used most of my stamps which I got to send artworks to Bryan. Continue to get faster and faster at creating artworks. Art supplies can become expensive, when you don't have much money.
Sometimes I went to services.
Still draw for Tran. He always asked me to draw for him. He appreciate it, and always give me a drawing task.
Glasses broke and had someone fixed it. Radio also broke, but no one knew how to fix it. Then a friend in prison purchased a radio and gave it to me. Tran and Pham gave me extra Vietnamese cd they had.
Play handball at least four times a week. Summer was hot and spring was wet as rain falls down a few months.
Stayed in my cell most of the year and stay awake a lot, to produce artworks. Getting better at painting but still did not understand how to do it real quick.
Played card games in the afernoon almost everyday. And loser had to do 25 push-ups. I won more games than I lost, time went by.
Every week Tran and Pham cook once and shot me some of their cooking. It was really good food, used the hot pot to cook the fish, or meat. It was something they enjoy doing.
Chapter 9
2005
Started the New Year with a new year resolution-quit smoking. I didn't smoke for this entire year. The store stop selling tobacco, but the package catolog still sale tobacco for a few more months.
The main kitchen transferred my job to the regular kitchen. So I work there, not for long. Mule Creek State Prison lock every one down in C-yard. The prison changed c-yard general population, and shipped everyone on c-yard to different prison. The prison moved people that was sny (sensitive needs yard) to c-yard and transfer all the gp to different prison.
All the Vietnamese people I knew was sent to another prison. They sent me to cmc (California Mens Colony State Prison) at the beginning of this year. Tran and Pham gave me more Vietanamese cd, which I love to listen to. But the music was so sad, it made me very depress. But I also listen to American music, which sound good also.
I transpack a television and a radio. Along with tobacco a few cans, I put the tobacco in a safe place so they won't take it. Because cmc stop selling tobacco, and each cigarrets was worth 3 dollars a piece. I made a lot of money on selling the few cans of tobacco that I had.
I got into a fight with my celle, and was in the hole for a few months. I got out and lots of my property was missing. I didn't fill out a 602 (Appeals Form). I just took lost.
Somehow I stop eating and the doctors were worry so they sent me to a dmh hospitol. Then I started to eat again, I lost a lot of weight. Stayed at the Department of Mental Health for a few months. Then they sent me back to cmc, and put me on medication. The court keyhe a me meaning it was mandatory that I take medication or else they give me the needle to get the meds in me. THE MEDICATIONS GIVE ME SIDE EFFECTS FOR MONTHS. Then they put me on another medication to try to take away the side effects. Finally they took me off some medications and put me on a different medication and it was better then the last one. I also got my eye glasses from the optomatrist.
All I did was kept on drawing pictures all year long. The more I draw, the better I got.
Still a1a unassigned and saw the doctor once every week. I was now eop, mentally unable to comparehind things. So I got a list of groups that I was suppose to go. But I hardly went to any groups, because I wasn't up to it.
This year I was recovering mentally. It was a very bad year, it was a tought time for me. My radio and television got lost. So all I did was draw, ran out of paint and couldn't paint this year.
Went to the little day room to watch television. Walk around the yard a few hours each day. Did not eat much because I just did not like the food.
Chapter 10
2006
This D-yard had people with all sorts of mental illness. They change my medications a few times, up and down.
My mood was not as good, until I played chess with another person. This yard had no politics, I could talk to anyone I like.
Had a couple of packages sent in. Ask my brother to purchase me a cd walkmen and a hair clipper.
Didn't smoke this year, because tobacco was three bucks for one cigarrettes. Went through most of my groups. The group I like most was yard group. I went to some groups that showed movies.
Watch lots of television, and stay out the yard everyday.
Keep on creating artworks, and getting better at it. Order lots of drawing supplies. Sent artworks to Bryan.
Meet lots of people of all races. And lots of them had a very fast parole date. Meaning they were short timers.
Lots of sales or trade of food, cosmetics, and etc. I purchase the mini canteen ducats, to purchase supplies that I needed on the yard. Plus you can get things that the canteen doesn't have. Or you may purchase a less expensive item.
Played Black Jack for money, but I wasn't playing all the time. Black Jack just doesn't seem very fun.
Stop eating got sent back to dmh for three to four months. My thoughts got more and more better, I was getting heal.
Still didn't eat much, sometimes I got to the dinning hall just to give my food away. I am not a big eater, I only eat once or twice a day.
Purchase ink pens, had over 50 ink pens. Drawing uses a lot of ink. Hurricanes were hiting Texas, where my family lives. I was always worry when Hurricane season come. Mom sent me money now and then. Write to mom every year, to send my love.
Think about the past, was visiting life on the street. Which seems so close but so far to reach.
Stayed up late most of the time, and slept very little. Listen to Vietnamese music and drink coffee to feel like I was in the streets.
There was hardly any fights in the yard. Maybe 4 or 5 fight on d-quad each year.
The cell was very small. And hardly any room for two people. So I went out or stayed in the quad most of the time.
Stayed in the wind and rain when it came. Just wanted to get wet, then I had to wash and dry my clothes.
Half of my property was missing because moving back and forth from cmc to cmf.
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FALLING APART
By: Vuong V. Nguyen
Manuscript enter by: Quan Bui
Copyright 2010
SPECIAL THANKS
I would like to thank my two friends for their help and inspiration.
I am also thanking those who have purchased things that I have created like art works and writings.
CHAPTER ONE
APART
When a person falls apart, it may become difficult to get back up. You may be broken into millions of pieces.If your broken into millions of pieces,It may never be the same again, because that may be too many pieces to be able to put back together.
If your only broken into a few pieces,then there is much hope for you. You can slowly piece the few pieces back together. If it's only a few piece it can be good,because you will have lots of time pieceing them back together. It becomes hard to make a mistake on them few piece. Because you will be focus and willing to place them together.
If nothing is broken, don't stick your hands or idea's where it doesn't belong.If it's not broken, don't even try to fix it. Meaning if certain pieces is not broken, Don't try try fixing it.You may make it worst, when you stick your hands where it doesn't belong.That's why things are broken, because you have this great idea that everything needs to be fix. In life, lets face it, everyone have falling apart before. It's not what made us fall apart, it's how we get back up, that's what count.
How do we or one knows when we fall apart. Are there signs or is it just that it's to late to see it when it happens.Sometimes there can be signs like not going to work, not dressing up for work.Bad sex life, not haveing fun.But then other times it just happen so. Sudden that we or one fails to realize that it is happening to them. If we or one can catch themselves from falling apart. They can seek help from other people before it gets so bad, that it will be so difficult to fix. Certain things can not be fix over night. It may or will take time to fix. A quick solution isn't always the best, a quick fix isn't always the best fix.
When you fall apart so suddenly, it will be difficult to catch yourself. Because so suddenly your world have turn up side down. You may feel and say, why is this happening to me? Just remember this, other people also fall apart, during moments and tragedy in their life time. Only thing one can do is have so faith and figure out ways to hep yourself.
When you are broken, you may have to go to the root of the problem. To have a clear picture of what needs to be fix. When your at the root of the problem, you may see what really need to be fix.
You can fall apart in many different areas in life. To fall apart does not mean only one thing or area it can mean a whole lot of things.
When you fall apart be careful and try to hang on or grab on to something. This will help you not to fall off all the way. You can fix a small fall when you catch yourself. Or ask for help when need it.
Breaking into pieces can be difficult to handle. If you have someone to lean on then it can be a bit easier. The opinion of others can be beneficial to you, if you're willing to hear them out. It may even piece some of the broken pieces back together.
Figuring out why things fall apart, can become a challenge. But sometimes one has to go this way, to prevent future break-downs. It can be time consuming when trying to figure out breakdowns, but sometimes we may have to spend years on the reason why we fall. That's life, it is figuring out yourself, and become a survivor.
If you fall apart, so sudden, you may have to become serious. And figure out ways to handle your problem. If you do not find ways to get better. Then it may be your own fault at making matters worst. It's best to clear your mind of worrys, problems, and etc. By making things better.
When you fall apart you may have to figure out ways to get back on your feet. To not stay broken you may conjure up strength to hold yourself back toghether. Everything take time and getting up may help you be a brighter person. Doing nothing; nothing will happen, so be sure to not end up in the end road.
Most people can fall apart and not even notice. Yes, there will be signs, but if you're not quick enough you will not catch it. Sometimes you may only have one chance to catch yourself before you reach the point of totally oblivion.
Falling apart can be ugly if your friends are unable to help you. Your relationship with old friends may be at stake. So your friend don't help you, they may not actually be a good friend. So there is not need to stay friends with those who are unfriendly and treat you like shit. Especially close friends who treat you like shit. They were never your friends in the first place. I myself ometimes fall apart from time to time. But somehow someway I find myself making correct decisions to bounce back to a clear or normal state of mind. This time I fall apart and it took me from August 2009 till July 01 of 2010 to finally recover. I am still not one hundred percent back to being truly myself. But 85% to the good is really good to me. I just hope that I do not fall apart like this any time soon or any more.
I rather do things that is helpful to my mind and focus on what life have to offer. And all I have to do is look in front of me, it is righ there. A chance to go home, and have some peace of mind. Being mentally ill and in prison can really be awkward. And I want to make it to the street with a good state of mind. And I am very tired of puting myself down for all the mistakes I made in this life, it just eats me up.
When you fall apart and hit the point of no return. then it may be all bad. Which means you may have fallen and can not ever make it back. You must figure things out before you fall too far. This way you will have a chance to continue in the game of life.
Chapter Two
CONFUSE
Are you confuse about your life? Well I can be confuse from time to time. But I only know it's up to me to get out of this confusing state of mind.
If you're not confuse maybe you do have a purpose in life. Then you should continue your journey in life. Until the day you become confuse you too may need help or maybe you may be able to help yourself. Everyone need directions to life, in order to live a good life with a purpose, instead of no purpose.
The more you become confuse the darker your road may become. When there's light there's a way and when there's a way there's hope.
When you're confused you need to untangle yourself. When you're not tangled all up, then you can move forward and continue the journey of life.
When people get confuse they tend to do stupid things. When they not confuse they will not do these things. Sometimes they need rest to actually think better.
When ever you become confuse, it's like you're in the middle of nowhere without a destination. It's kinda like you're in a desert without water.
It is good to be around good people who may be able to help you when you are confused. It is better to get some kind of help then none. Be very thankful for any type of help.
Getting confuse can become a headache, which feels as if you're going in circles with no end. In order to get out of the circle, you must be able to step out. And see the matter of being confuse can do to you. Which means see the problem before it arise.
Don't be confuse, open your mind and see the endless opportunity. When there's opportunity there is much hope. And opportunity comes in many direction when your mind becomes open.
Don't block out all the help you may get while you're confused. Use whatever help that may be good to you and need not use what help may not benefit you.
Open and relax your mind to the endless possibilities which may arise from time to time. Instead of drowning yourself in confusion.
If you're experiencing lot of confusion, you may have syptoms of mental illness. And you may need to seek help from a doctor.
Being confused, it's good to be around familiar faces. That way you will get help when the people you're with see that you may need help.
Whenever you become confuse, "Be Real" and open some of your confusion. So people can are able to help your confusion. They may be able to help you FASTER if you open your mind.
In order to think right, one has to think positive and act right. Instead of negative talk, negative talk can confuse one's mind into negativaty and confuse other peoples think. The way you act is the way you think.
Chapter Three
DIRECTION
Finding a good pathway in life may become difficult. That's if you have high expectation and well educated. The more educated you become, the more you expect from yourself.
If one pathway doesn't work, it's wise to have more then one road to go. This way you won't endup in a dead end if one pathway is closed. Always have a backup road and plans and instruction to follow.
Life becomes difficult when you have nothing to look forward for. No place to fit in the many roads of life, can leave you empty. That's way you find or figure out they many reason that life have to offer and good expectation to move forward in reaching lifes goals.
In life people say they made it through the yellow brick road. How so lucky they are, from my own experience I always thought there was no such road as the yellow brick road. In my roads of life there is no such thing as a yellow brick road. Most of my life is but hardaches and pain.
How do certain people are so lucky, I'm not hating on them. But some of the wealthy people were born from a wealthy family. Which got them the best things that life can offer. Their educations is automaticually paid off. If they do not take the wrong roads like going to prison and doing crime. Their life is set and definatly a good life is before them.
But sometimes there's too much on one person plate. Which then they take life for granted. Until they realize that they should have not taken life for granted. Then it may or is too late to change the hands of time.
Keep running towards fire then you will get burn with fire. Do not run in the direction which will burn you alive. Why do you think kids will stop if the heat is getting them hot. So turn around or find a different road way.
Don't get trick by what little benefit one roadway may offer. Stay focus and benefit from many roadways. Nobody ever said that take only one roadway. An educated person will work hard and find many entrances to many road ways. Because their mind is open and willing to do things differENTLY.
If someones block your pathway, keep moving and keep on finding different pathway. Your direction may become blury if your not too sure, so get out of the foggy air and see more clearly. And your direction may become more visible.
Be direct when you offer advice (direction) to a good friend. You don't want them to be confuse, so be direct. But be a friend and take them through the different steps.
If you're unable to give direction, then you should not. Because it's like the blind leading the blind. I give direction because I have always been traveling throughout so many roads. And life still have offer me many more roadways to travel. There are many good directions and many bad ones also.
It's always good when a friend gives you good advice (good direction). But we should not blame them for giving us bad direction. Because it's up to us to choose the best direction to go forward. And it's our own fault for choosing the incorrect pathways.
When life gets good, then a whole new world opens. And many pathways will open, good pathway and bad pathways. There will be many direction to choose from be careful of who's advice you take and use. One direction may be good for another and that direction may not be good for you. Be friendly so you will be unable to upset strangers or friends. Do not be too afraid or else you may get nowhere. It is always good to have someone who knows what their doing to guide you.
An instructor should know how to give proper directions. Or give or teach better ways of doing things. A bad instructor will have no good input or ways of directing your path, with no destination. Not all instructors are educated enough to give you multiple directions. Or they may lack the experience of being through lifes difficulties.
Sometimes something is too good to be true it usually is. So if the direction is too good, then maybe you should think twice or do some studying yourself. I am not in all saying that I am 100% correct that you won't get anything good out of it. It may be that one direction that you been looking for from your entire life. It may be that one big break. But I have learn not to jump in things all the way, because you may be really disappointed when your hopes are too high. If it's not the correct direction, pick up your feet and forward you move.
Those who know the direction, know how to get from point a to point b. Which it is wise to get advice from those who have the correct direction. A fool will get advice from a person that have not been there or will misguide you. Be sharpe and aware of a person talk or speech. They are the ones you will decide know the correct direction or not. So judge rightfully and you may end up with one who give good direction or correct direction. You are a fool if you get direction from a person who doesn't know the way.
Chapter Four
Adice About Falling Apart
When you fall apart, be sure you know you are falling apart. That way you will be able to take action, when you fall. And you may or will have a better chance at recovering. No body wants to fall apart and not be able to pick up your own feet again.
When you are falling, it is good to have those who care about you, who will be there for. Helping you pick up your feet again, giving you encouragement. And or willing to tend or give you the help you need. It is good to have good people around. Because good people will be cheering for you to get well. In life it is difficult to have people around who are willing to be there for you in good times and in bad times. People tend to be good to you when you are going good, meaning financially and fled away when you're broke.
When you all apart, it is wise to ask for help. And be around good people who may be able to help you. Get help before things get worst. It is unwise to fall apart alone. You may do something you may regret for the rest of your life.
How do you know when you fall apart? Trust me there will be signs like throwing all your things away. Or giving all your things away. Maybe you just lost it and decide to forget your prorities. Or maybe you just don't show up to a job that you love to there. Or you just lost your sense of humor.
When you fall apart, don't go out doors too much because you may act up in public and do things you normally won't do. Have someone help you out with shopping. Stay indoors until you get the help that is needed to take control of your life again. It's ok to fall apart but be ready, it is the best way to have a smooth recovery. Have an emergency number or numbers to call for in case of much needed help.
Have medical supplies around just in case you really did something stupid. Then you must seek a doctor's help if you use medical supplies. When you fall apart it can be for all sorts of reason. So be prepare for the worst. Hopefully you will find the needed help before you act up and do something stupid.
Falling apart is never good, but if you do. At least be wise and stay out of other people's way so you won't bump into them. It is best to seek help before you make contact or bump into people. It is not good to bump into people when you don't even understand what you are going. Be good and seek the necessary help that is needed. Make phone calls when you feel ill. Be sure to have emergency phone numbers posted somewhere in plain sight around the house. Be sure that someone can drive you to the doctor if you needed to see a doctor. Don't be ignorant and close minded. If you have a problem, their are people who may be able to fix you.
CHAPTER FIVE
BREAK THROUGH
When you have figure out the ways to get the help you need.It's a break through in the correct direction towards recovery. It's a break through when you learn how to help yourself when you need the help most. When you find your comfort zone,you can recover if you fall. So find position ways to deal with your problems. It's ok if you don't recover right away. Sometimes it just takes time to recover. Break through happens all the time, to all sorts of people. It happens so be prepare when good things happens to you. Or you may benefit from a fast recovery. Don't be so narrow minded in this way you may ensure yourself a good recovery when you recover.Get a hold of yourself, when you wake up and figure out that your ok and not falling apart which means you finally made a major breakthough and found out you are ok. And that it is a good day to be alive. And you can chase the dream which you do have in life instead of worrying about being I'll. Open your mind up and figure out that there are alot of ways to accomplish things. There are all sorts of things to do and just waiting for you to make a breakthrough. So be prepare if something going to happen to you. Life is not always about suffering, but if you have suffered so much then you should or you may be destined for a break. Everyone deserves a break instead of hardache and pain throughout their life.
When your own life is good, and you see other people lives are bad-maybe one person can benefit from your help. You should help that person to recover and gain their strength back. For them to have a chance toward a normal life. They may be in need of a breakthrough that you may be able to give them. Everyone needs a break from time to time. People do need helping hands when their own hands fail to help their own needs. People become stronger when we help each other move forward in the correct direction. When we get help we tend to help those who are less fortunate then ourselves.
When you catch your big break, be sure to remember those who are less fortunate then you. They may need a helping hand to get them out of sickness. Sickness comes from all sorts of form. Being ill does not feel good, it's much better to live healthy and feel good then to own many ships. Your health belongs to you so take care of it.
Making a breakthrough sometimes takes time. Some people just don't have the time and patience.
When you have a breakthrough, don't think or assum that you done something out of the ordinary. Because it just may be that you accomplish something small. People tend to think something of really nothing. So don't be disappointed at accomplishing something that is not really big.
Anyone can make a breakthrough, depending on how much they really want it. Some people take extreme measure to see that things get done. Sometimes they rush into things and get things done wrong or incorrect. Which is why fools rush into things.
Chapter Six
HEALING TIME
When you fall apart so much, you got to let time heal you. Or else you may heal improperly. It's better to heal good than bad.
Sometime people will give you time to heal, but ***holes will always be in your face. Some good people will be there for you when you're not healing good. Be prepare if you're healing really slow. Healing slow will give you time to think and appreciate the many things in life. It's good to have time to yourself. It's also good to share your time with others.
When you are healing you must do things that are beneficial to your health. You won't heal over night, it takes time to heal. And sometimes it could be a very slow process. It could take weeks or maybe even months or years.
It is always good to be heal, because you will feel better or great. But take your time and you will definitely feel good. Don't think that you won't heal, because what you think can actually affect your own health. So think positive then positive results will happen.
When you're mentally ill, it can be more difficult to heal. So it can be helpful if he or she is around good people who can help them. Mentally ill person should not be treated like outcast. They are still people, some mentally ill people may not heal for their entire lifetime. But if they can't be heal at least they are around good good people who can care for them. So don't give up hopes for your love ones. They are the ones who may need a bit extra love.
People are usually judged and used when they have mental symptoms. Because people can take advantage of the weak. If you're not healing good stay away from people who can use you mentally.
If your mind is playing tricks on you, take time off so you can heal. If that doesn't work, maybe you need to see a doctor or certain medications are giving you side effect. Be sure you're not on medication that have protential in ruining your daily lifestyle. Change your medications if certain medication is giving you major side effects, or the meds. is simply not working.
If it takes you a year to fully recover, hopefully you're around good people. Because healing in a year can be a long time.
Sometimes knowing about your own body can help you heal even faster. You may also need to know what you put into your own body. If you put something harmful it might make you heal slower. So be sure or careful what you put into your body, it can help you or it can harm you.
If the doctor gives you the wrong medication, it can do you more harm then. If this does happen discontinue the medication, or ask for a lower dostage. Some doctors tend to give you too much unnecessary prescriptions. So if a medication gives you side effects, get it fix.
When you are sleeping 15 to 20 hours each day, for over five months, you should know something is wrong with your health. I found out or figure out it was the medication. I am on KEYHEA, so it was difficult for me to get off the medication. I had to work with the doctor to fix what medication I was on. But slowly I got it fix. And still trying to fix it. I sleep less now around 12 hours to 10 hours a day. It took at least nine months to get this done. Medication is good and bad for a person. If I don't have to take medication I wouldn't. Because all medication have some sort of side effects. It is difficult to find a good medication for a person.
If you're in need of healing time, you may lose yourself in sickness. And it can be difficult for you to even work or do normal things in life. The best place to be sick is around people who can help and care for you. It can be a headache when doctors keep on changing your medications. If you're around people who doesn't care for you, then you may have a long shot at getting heal. If the people who you are around is not helping your illness or helping you get better, then I think it's time to get somewhere that people will help and car for you.
Things can get a bit distracting when your mind isn't all toghether. So be prepare anything can happen, so always heope for the best but expect the worst.
It is nice when you're healing and have someone checking out how you're doing, just talking about getting better is good.
When you're in top condition or top health, you will definatly feel good and you will be ready to take care of so many other problems which will not be possible if your health is bad. Good health can open lot of windows and doors and give you a whole lot of opportunity. So it is always good to be in top health, no matter what. But unfortunately when hard time strikes your health can become bad. Because you may be too sad to even take care of yourself. Or if a love one past away your sorrows may take over your health. Be sure you recover from your sorrows in order for you to get better you must have someone who you can talk to and cope with. Sorrows & grief can linger for along time.
When you're 90% through 100% then you're basically healed. So you can now do basic work around the house. You will be able to do more because now you are in top shape to do these choirs. Then just maybe you can do other activities instead of laying in bed all day long.
It's kind of easy getting depress; especially being around a place that there isn't much to do. So get up and get outside. The world is waiting for your recovery.
There's just so much things you can do, but it mostly depends on your health. If you have bad health you won't be able to go anywhere, because you would need the time to heal.
Basically you do stupid things to your health. Other bad factors will follow with you. So if you mentally do wried or way out things you may have to see a doctor. And it is not a guarantee it's the best thing. So you may be asking for more then you bargain for. So if you do not have a mental illness, I advise you to never do anything to get you mentally ill. But sometimes it is genetics, which runs in your blood. And all you can do is hope for the best by those who help you. And hoping for healings and time.
Completed July 27, 2010 3:14pm pacific time
ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This work is dedicated to the Most High Providence.
The strength of a man is in the hand of the Supreme Judge.
The will of one man is just an sacrificing offering to his Creator.
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PUSHING FORWARD
Short Writing By: Vuong Van Nguyen
Copy Right 2010
SPECIAL THANKS
I want to thank my family for their love and support.
I am also thanking all those who are spending
their time on reading this writing.
TABLE OF CONTENTS Page
Chapter One ----------Looking Back -------------------------------------------------------> 1
Chapter Two ---------Middle Ground ----------------------------------------------------> 28
Chapter Three -----Moving Ahead ------------------------------------------------------> 40
Chapter 1 Looking Back
I been looking backwards most of my life, and I need to look forward more often. It's difficult to move forward when you have so much baggage in the past. I look backwards often because there are just so many memories.
I look forward because I do not like to face the past. But sooner or later I will eventually end up with the past catching up with me. I may have to look in the past in order to look forward.
When I look in the past there are just so many memories which need to be delt with. And it does not mean it can be figure out right away. All in time I must find ways to move forward.
There are times I would like to give up looking forward, because the past just keeps on poping up. And there just have to be something better then what I am experiencing now. Unfortunately everything just usually catch up with you. Good things and bad things will pop up no matter how often you would like it not to.
No matter how badly I would like to look forward. It just seems I am always looking back in the past. I guess the past can teach us a lot about ourselves. It's possible to learn a lot about our past, but it can also cause confusing facts about our past and present.
When I was a teenager I often do things without thinking twice. When ever I wanted to do something I just did it. Often it was the wrong thing I choose to do.
I been to juvenile hall over twenty times, often for small crimes. Which they often let me go when my parents and brother picked me up from juvenile hall. I was lucky to have caring parents which was kind to get me home. Sometimes it got really confusing while growing up in California, when you grow up with friends who often get into trouble. When I get into trouble when I was around 13 years old. I often am afraid to face my parents. Because I didn't want them to think that I was a bad person. The first time I got arrested and sent to juvenile hall, I had to call my parents up, to pick me up and they were kind enough to get me out of juvenile hall. Juvenile hall wasn't that much of a difficult place, but it stressed me out because I did not really knew the people or other juvenile there. There wasn't many Asians lock up in Sacramento juvenile hall. The longest I stayed in juvenile hall was around two to three months. It became stressful because I had a very small understanding about that place. Once I comprehinded where and why things work the way it did, the rest of my teenage years in juvenile went by fast. This is before I turn 18teen.
The way I grew up in my teens, I knew I was going to end up dead or get sentence into prison. And I was right, I ended up in prison for 26 years. I did not understand that I could aviod prison time because I didn't look back. I just went forward, but now a days I realized if I just thought a little more, I may have avioded prison. When I grow up most of the things I learn, I had to experience it on my own. Once I got half a year sentence to the Boys Ranch I finally understood that I do not have to spend the rest of my life in prison if I just would have thought a little more. But I guess I wasn't mature much and kind up mess up. But I did not throw my entire life away. But I throw a big portion of my life.
In order for me to move forward, I needed to find a way to change my behavior. But it wasn't easy, so I decided when I was eighteen to stop myself from doing anything stupid. But I ended up in the county jail for a charge .... attempted murder. Which eventually change my entire life. One big mistake can and will affect a person life. But now it is kind of late to do things differently. So I had to do my time in prison. It's difficult to move forward in prison. But it can be done. It's difficult or it can be difficult to change the way one acts. It's not hopeless, I just need time and a lot of understanding. I basically all these years trying or doing thing that is not against the law. Basically finding ways or learning and making changes to aviod mistakes that can ruin what little life there is left.
When I grew up around 1990 thru 1996, yes it was difficult to find the right kind of guidance. There were guidance but I did not truly get the full understanding until I was in prison. Now I get the hint that it is defernately better to hang around people who doesn't use drugs or break the law. I had no role models when I grow up. So it took me years to figure out my own meaning of life. When I was a teen, living this kind of life style I had envision my life would end in my teenage year. Friends who was around my age died or die so often that I got so sad that I couldn't even shead any more tears. Maybe because I was around death so often.
I grew up going to five different high schools. And going to this many high schools, I had to get used to these different environments. Some schools I didn't do well because of getting expel or kick out of that school. I did well in Texas when I went to Thomas Jefferson High School. But finally I got my G.E.D. when I was eighteen at the Sacramento Boys Ranch. I have not recieve my Diploma but if I get around 30 credits I can get my Diploma. I already took all the high school equvilacy test.
Somehow I ended up going to college for nine months. All I needed was nine more months to receive my AA in Accounting if I finish the last nine months. Unfortunately I got arrested for this crime that is why I couldn't move forward with my Accounting Degree.
Somehow along down the line I ended up getting more education. Around 2001 and 2002 I went to a vocational trade and got my Diploma in Computer Class. I receive lot of units and completed the entire cirriculum and dress up and receive graduation paper work. At least I had accomplish something while I was in prison. It was nothing too special to talk about. But it was a step in moving forward. I like the computer class but it brought back memories that been hidden for years before I was in prison. The computer class living up my mood and it was a positive moment that give me hope that if I was release out of prison, that there is a chance that I can make it in the streets.
Before I got lock-up as an adult, there must of been signs to show me that this was a bad path I was headed for. Unfortunatly I wasn't wise enough to catch all the sign.
When I look back into the past now, at age 32, I can see so many ways to not get into trouble. I ask myself somehow I could have been so blind. I was just so blind to see things for what they really were. I could have enough sense to ssee where things was headed. How is it so possible that I did not take the correct direction to stay out of trouble. How stupid it feels at age 32, to look back 13 or 14 years in prison to finally realize I had the chance or could of prevent what I did to come into prison. The past sucks. When you realize that things could be prevented and there was just no reason for the things that happen.
From the age of 13 thru 17 teen, I did not receive good grades at school often. I had straight f's in 7th grade, but somehow I had to learn how to get better grades. So I achieve my GED, then apply for college. And somehow I learn how to move forward, and get good grades. Was a 4.0 student at Heald Business College. Some kind of computer business school. All the people I meet were really kind and business oriented people. Every one had to dress up for school every day professionally. And everyone I meet had good manners.
Somehow I moved forward in college, or I thought I did. Until January 15th of 1997, I got arrested for attempted murder. So now my life stop from moving forward and then it seems I have been looking BACKWARDS FOR OVER ONE DECADE.I ALSO LOOK FORWARD FOR OVER A DECADE, SO BASICALLY I WAS LOOKING FORWARD AND BACKWARDS IN PRISON.
Once I was arrested I lost so much hope of ever getting out again. Now it feels like there was no point of living. And my sky blue days turn dark and gray. Things just started not to make any sense no more. Now I had to find a reason to live and to move forward. Now I also understand tha tI didn't need to use drug anymore, so my mind was starting to get better, and my health also got better.
Sometimes certain individual rather see me behind, like they would rather have me stop or not progressing. Or sometimes they would rather have me following in their footsteps. But I have learn in prison that life is a very difficult place. And it's up to that person seeing the world in a new light. There are many ways of seeing the world, it's up to what mood you're in. Which is good to have different moods, so you will be able to experience different feelings. But it is not wise to always be in a sad mood, which can make your days or many days sad and gloomy. I guess it's good to be in a happy mood, but then there are certain people who does not want you to be happy. So they want you to have a shitty mood like them.
Today June 8, 2010 it seems as though I am not feeling so good. Man, life just have too many rollercoasters. Felt like I am outta place and finding my place is difficult to handle. So I spent most of the day sleeping, I guess I am a bit depress. I brought two ounces of coffee for three dollars which I shared with a few friends that live in the same dorm as I did. This pick us up a little and made the day a bit better. It's difficult to find people with coffee in this wing or unit. I guess I am glad this day is about to be over. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. All I can do is push forward.
In 1998 I was convicted of attempted murder 2nd degree, and got sentence for 26 years. Once I got back from sentencing day, I decided to drink one bottle of ibprofin and a few boxes of cold tablets. I just didn't feel like living anymore. But somehow I did not die and I throw up all the medicine. It was a very difficult time for me to move forward. I stress so much that I continue to stress for 7 to 10 years. It was a very difficult time in my life. Things were very hard and adjusting to new prisons was difficult for me. Life in prison is not simple as people may think so.
Sometimes people don't get the hint, that they should move on and not hold me back. Just because I am really a none complaining person. Why do they wish to do things to me that I do not like? I tell them not to f*** with me and stop standing in my way. But they continue to do stupid things to me. And eventually I may blow up. And do things which I do not like, but sometimes I may need to do things that is aweful to let them get the hint. Or else fight and get things delt with. I do not wish for problems. But I do not wish to be held back for no good reason. I guess that is what I get for being too kind to peopole and open doors for them. Life is just f****-up sometimes. Because people will and can take your kindness for weakness. Plus I am very tired of getting into trouble because trouble is not on my mind, that is kids stuff. And now I'm an adult and acting like a kid is not for me. I been through a lot of shit. And I know I can blow up if this shit does not stop. It's hard to keep yourself from blowing up. I let little things go, but if it kept on doing the same shit, it gets on my nerves and I can explode and do something real stupid. I just do not understand why a person keeps putting their face all up in my face for a lot of time. Get your f***** face out of my face. Sometimes I can do really stupid shit. Why bother me when you know I don't like that shit. I express how I feel and you continue to do this stupid shit. Eventually I will explode if this shit does not stop. But somehow I need to say what I need to say. But I had already told him what I feel. I just don't like that shit. People always think they know you. And then they become ***holes. No wonder why I stay away from lot of people. These people can be selfish, meaning only think about their own happiness, and not about the happiness of others. Plus I am in DMH, I am trying to recover from my mental illness. Slowly it's working but certain individuals always find ways to get me frustrated. This is what this ***hole did, poked me in the face while I am sleeping. Grabbed my sheets and threw carrots on me while I am resting. I let it go, I told him this shit was not cool. Some people do not get the hit that I am arrested for attempted murder, leave me a lone. Do not you value your life and understand I am valuing my life, because I want to do good and get out of prison. Because I don't like to be in prison. How selfish can people get, just because you think your way is the right way. Does not mean that you should walk all over another person. And you only have three years left, I advise you to do your time and just go home. Unless you are tempting people to do sometime to you. Do not think that you are strong or powerful. Just because you're not a lifer it doesn't mean you should inflict damage to another person, I guess I am just piss off and needed to blow some steam off. The more kind I get, the more I I get used.
In order to continue to push forward, I need to put my anger in check, even if I don't wish. I know there is always a solution that is good, instead of a bad solution. Why must I always try to satisfy or make sure that I don't harm people, I usually just satisfy other peoples need, more then my own. I need to learn or understand how to satisfy my own needs also. Life is a learning lesson, so the more I understand about myself as an individual I can find way to satisfy my own needs. It seem no matter what I will be around good people and bad people. I must understand how to deal with this. I need to learn how to stay away from people who wishes me harm. Maybe if I stayed away from them, I may get less hasrm. I would like or prefer to stay in the company of good people. No matter what there will be all kinds of people everywhere.
It's difficult to push forward, when a person has some sort of a mental illness. I been having some sort of mental illness, for or around five years now. I guess my body and mind aren't working so good.
I wonder how I am going to manage these few years I have. Five or six years I have left. I understand I am not fully healed. I just wonder am I going to have this many health problems. Or I am going to have major problems in the future. I guess it's a little relief to write down things that is holding me back.
I still have hope that I can still have a good life when I get out of prison. All these years and places that I been traveling to different prison, that it seems that prison life have affected me so much. I just wonder when can I get a break, hopefully I get out that will be a break for me. Am I really asking so much, that in hopes of one day I will be realease.
It's simple to move forward, when you don't have hundred of friends. Because most of the friends I have at California Men's Colony they are about 80% going home within a year. Most people come and go, the few that stay they know me well. So when I go back to cmc, on d-quad I will have 15% of the people or friends who are still there. I also understand people come and go no matter where you're at. But first I have to find a way to fix myself, to become a more functional person. I need to get my head fix. I have been thinking more then ever, but the problem is my thoughts and mind are not working justly. Now I have met so many different people, and most people act like they have mental problem and I am one of those people.
It's difficult to move forward, when your own mind isn't functioning correctly. Right now I am or am at the right of mind a bit alright. But sooner or later I have to or hopefully I will be able to gather all the energy to continue pushing forward.
In hopes of a better tomorrow just hope that my own mind will tell my body to wake up and function in a better mood. Waking up to a bad mood or just one bad or many bad morning can make me very depressed. I don't know what it is with my problem but hopefully I will find a way to cope with these mental problems.
This year I have so many mental problem that have hold me back from the main line. Fortunately my mind got a bit better. Holpefully this next four months I will be recovered and able to make or do a good program.
All these medication the mta and doc are giving me, I do not truly understand if its helping me or not. My mind in August or September in 2009 got very confused when I was on abilify. But I was doing good, then suddenly I hit rock bottom again. And somehow my mind got fixed in January 2010. I guess or think the medication that I am on now is helping. But my health doesn't seem to be at its fullest function. When I have coffee I function real better. At lease I do all I can, and will continue to do all I can. but drinking too much coffee will hold me backwards. Because I am abusing the coffee, so I cut back as much as I can. This unit a3 doesn't let us buy coffee, but there is always a way to purchase coffee, if an inmate really wanted some.
It seems like I have been moving backwards so often that I need to conclude and find ways to move forward. Or else I just need to confront my pass and leave it to rest and move forward. It just that I have so lmany problems and if life can just somehow trurn to the good, then I will be able to move in the correct direction. But for now I need to stress less and mentally be at peace with this mental illness. Its have to have a way in getting better. Life isn't all gravy and sunshine around the corner. Life can become a bit too much to handle. If ones continue to lay layers of self inner person. So wake up and deal with problems that you can handle. And stop creating thousands of new problems. Which you will not be able to handle. It's good to expect a lot of yourself, but truthfully you are making more problems for yourself. And it can become a real big problem if you continue on this road.
A THOUSAND THANKS IS NOT ENOUGH
This edition is for and in the greatest honor to my Dad.
Dad was absolutely a righteous man. From the first time I had
knowledge of the world to the last time Dad passed away, he
was a magnificent man. All the works that Dad put his hands
into, he prospered. Hardwork, humility, kindness, love and
justice are his charcteristics. I continuely thank you Dad and
pray that I may be half a decent person as you were.
I am not saying to myself that I should give up hope or dreams. I am saying don't pick up too many problems. Or else you may end up overloading or polluting your mind. And fixing your own mind can be a real challenge. It seems just so unreal that I lost my mind recently on August 2009-thru January 2010. But I still have bits and pockets of problems. Finding the problem areas are or can become tricky and a headache when you find them.
Lately I tried to move forward, but new problems arise. This life is or becomes very unwelcoming. Sometimes it just feel like I should give up or call it quits. But some how I find little pockets of energy to move forward.
When I look back at my teenage years, how come I did not get the hint in high school that (to be continue top of page 27)
Manna: My Spirit shall not always strives with man, for that he is of only flesh, yet his days shall be a hundred and twenty years.
Praise
Glory to God
Glory to Thy Holy Name
For Thou has spared my life
For Thou has mercy and pity me
For Thou has protected me
For Thou has shielded me
For Thou has comforted me
For Thou has embraced me
For Thou has loved me before day
one to forevermore.
Glory to God
Glory to Thy Holy Name
.
Copyrights: For permission to copy, buy, sell, for education pursoses, reprint, the stories, writings, books, etcs, you can deal directly with
the author in writing to:
Vuong Van Nguyen K-86302
A-340 CMF
P.O. Box 2000
Vacaville, CA 94565-2000